Coming and Going (March 11 2008)

Sweet and sour morning. I am at LAX, sitting in the departure lounge, waiting for my flight to board, listening to some really old (I mean A-HA old) tracks and gazing at the bright bright sun through the huge window pane. I am swimming in a totally creative stream these days, but my gaze is stuck on the bright sky draping the low-lying skyline of the city, framed to infinity by the Great Ocean and the Pacific Palisades hills. No words coming out just yet. LA is amazing and very plain at the same time. I always have that mixed feeling about lalaland: on the one hand, that city has the everlasting freshness and glow of a curious and (still) innocent 17 year old teenager, and the wrinkled vibe of a (kinky) old dame. Strangely enough, though, I love it either way.

Today, LA is young, crisp, cold, fresh and bright. I woke up to a bright sun washing the walls of the bedroom, and walked along the beach in the cooling breeze towards this simple and (thus?) comfy coffee house down Rose Ave. Reading the LA Times with a cup of coffee (yup, I am back to drinking the warm black water this week) and a bagel. I love LA when it is that straightforward, deliciously easy to love, like a big red ripe strawberry in the summer. Everything around you is just there to be enjoyed, with no second guess. And yet at the back of my heart, in that tiny little place at the center of my chest, deep inside, I have started to bleed. More like a crackle. I guess I did not see it coming. Or I did not feel it coming. Days have been long and intense during my trip to SoCal, and I had just enough space in the days to feel gratitude and love. I guess I was busy and focused enough to be completely immersed in the sea of joy I came here to experience.

I have been here for 2 weeks now, and have been closer than ever to my teacher, my friend, my doppelganger, Shiva. I have been so dedicated, with her and the other assistant teachers, to giving everything, every sparkle of Prana Shakti and dedication, to the amazing Souls that attended the teacher training here this fortnight. It has been somewhat draining physically, but the 12 hour-days we went through were a breeze, with our mind intent on transmitting the love, the passion for the art of Living Yoga, and the simplicity of Being Present. I have been on that love train since the morning practice of day 1, where the ameba (40 students roughly) turned into an integrated energetic Body, with its own rhythm and sense of purpose. I have been so pranically charged up, so grateful and so blissed out that I had forgotten that it had to end. Abruptly. Last night. All of a sudden, after the music stopped and the pois were put down, it was over. The Wave crashed. Alex, Urshi, Hollie, Stephanie, Anabelle, Cosetta, Christiana, Aletheia, Joyce, Elika... Gina.

For me, the experience was astonishing, incredibly formative, rewarding, cathartic. Not only did I get the opportunity to help train new teachers and align beautiful people with the Song of their lives, but I also got to deepen my connection with Shiva and create bridges with her and a couple of people that I know will be part of my Life for long. I will not go through the details of the incredible moments of devotion, sharing, meditating, learning and crossing massive bridges, but I am coming back to Singapore today a new person. We should always come back transformed from any trip and exploration, and I feel today that I have accomplished what I came here to do. I am observing that crack in my heart, and appreciate that this is the evidence of a wonderful journey in the last few days. Celebrating Shivaratri here with my guiding light, my Life's Love, my dear friend Gina, sweet Dimitri, Mimi Maria, Colette and other close friends, has also taught me (again!!!) that Transformation is neither easy nor beautiful, and that pain, suffering, conflicts, doubts, fear, contraction and tears are often part of the process, but that they all contribute to coming through a more Realized being. A more unified person.

I am starting to get mystical here, which is generally a clear sign that time to stop writing has come. But I would like to express thanks again to all of you out there, friends, students, guru, teachers, colleagues, family members, loved ones and strangers alike for the Journey, the support, the Love, but also for the the judgments and rejection. For creating the space for Transformation every day, for change, for movement. I can't wait to teach again, and then to leave again, to settle and then move on, to ride my raft on the river of my Dharma. I have missed our Collective, here in Singapore, and can't wait to Flow with you again.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." Rumi

PS: Hot Fudge is still blasting on my iPod :D

Coming and Going (March 11 2008)

Back up

I am back.

A lot of juices are running through me as I approach a new juncture in my life, and the need to keep a record of the blogs I post elsewhere is too strong, so this will be a vault of my blurps for future use.

Many deserving people, and myself, need this river of creativity to keep flowing for many reasons, and at least simply because never - NEVER - should we allow ourself to suppress any idea - as radical as it may be - that springs in the seat of our heart. Our true God and Goddess-like nature demands that we honor our actions, emotions, feelings and greater connections as they are the richest product of our existence.

If you happen to know me and can't help yourself judging or hating who I am, what I do, think or feel, then GET A LIFE and don't visit this blog ever again. If you are too intrinsically and emotionally ungrounded that you can't read my views without immediately contracting around it, bad mouthing me extensively and creating unnecessarily dark energy around our community, THEN remove the link to this page from your browser's favorites, get yourself one of these self-help books for sad people and leave me and the rest of the Shaktas free to breathe, live, absorb and manifest.

However, if you feel that my views feed and fertilize you, either because they resonate with you or because they shock the roots of your beliefs, then embrace your ecstatic Courage and Greatness, come back over and over again and allow these words to be the rocks upon which the wave of your incarnation crashes.


The only way to make sure people you agree with can speak is to support the rights of people you don't agree with. (Eleanor Holmes Norton)

So long

I have decided to turn that limb off for a while. I need to dedicate my Shakti to a few specific openings that need full dedication to blossom, and this one is unfortunately not on the list this year.

I will see you somewhere along the way.

Hari Om.

IY

Big day

I am sick. I started having allergies a couple of days ago, and now I feel really sick. My head feels like it's a pressure cooker, and my nose is a river.

My left hamstring started hurting like hell out of the blue again yesterday, and I walk like a hobbit today as result.

My Mom called me yesterday to tell me that she is back in the hospital due to unexpected complications of her operation.

And today, I will leave a Mala of 108 surya namaskars. Not the best day, in a way, but I am happy as it will be another milestone, through which I can set a new path forward.

Shanti Om and health to all.

IY

When fate hits you right in the head...

We think all is well and fine. Life is good. You had the most amazing practice this morning, totally entering the Flow again at last. You have a job you like quite a fair bit, to say the least. You have time on your hands, reasonably. You just had a good holiday with your parents. The Sun is shining. The world is entering a new Lunar Year and everything is fine and excellent.

And then the phone rings.

Sister: Mom is in the hospital.
Imperfect Yogi: WHAT? Why? What happened? What's going on?
Sister: The phone is ringing I call you back.

Then you wait. Everything you could not possibly imagine goes through your head. Then you wait a while more, and more goes through your mind. Then the phone rings.

Sister: ok, you don't worry?

Then, you worry even more. Then you ask:

Imperfect Yogi: so what the fuck is going on? What happened? Is she ok? What's happening? Tell me!

So much for being sattvic, balanced, calm and in the Flow.

Sister: ok, she fell, it's pretty bad. She broke her arm and wrist and is at the hospital. They are running tests on her head and other bones. She is going through an operation in just a few minutes.
Imperfect Yogi: an operation for a broken arm? WHAT THE FUCK? What is going on? Is she ok?
Sister: she is under morphine, she is very worried and lost. They need to stabilize her bones cause they just crashed when she fell. That's all I know. I will call you later. I am going there now?
Imperfect Yogi: ...............................
Imperfect Yogi (to himself): fuck fuck fuck, no way... Mom... She was ok, here, happy and radiant 2 days ago...
Imperfect Yogi: ok, thanks...

And there goes your sense of everything being just as it should be.

It's been a day, and I could talk to no one because of freaking distance, time difference and so many other things. I hope she is ok. She probably is.

This reminds me of this line I read in the most amazing book ('A fortune teller told me') a student gave me for Christmas, which I read with my Mom in Phnom Phen last week: 'Life is not yours, and it can be taken away from you at any moment. Reflect on this.'

IY

Affirmations for a new year

To combat old samskara and build confidence where it has proven to be lacking in the past, Sva Dharma activation sacred texts suggest one builds a set of affirmations to rise the Shakti and let it flow where it should.

My key affirmations for this year are as follows:
- I am a radiant being and I do not need everyone's respect
- I am in the Flow and do not need to know where I am going
- I complete the mandala of my actions

Repeat your affirmations, which you build through a long process of meditation but primarily Svadyaya, 5 times each during your morning meditation as a vow to manifest their essence throughout the day, and LIVE THE LIFE.

Shanti