Kalari grading, children, observance, core and dreams

I have rarely felt so weak, spent, and emptied out to my bones than today. After a pretty intense yoga practice at home yesterday afternoon (the sort where - for no reason - you go into every possible arm balance that your mind remembers ever hearing of), I rushed to Kalari, for training and ... GRADING!

In the train, the effect of my practice were clear already, I was dozing off, and had too little energy to move around when people entered the train. In addition, my core had left me for a better world, and my belly was no longer holding in. At all. This is the great and energetic state in which I arrived at Kalari practice. Late (you walk more slowly when your legs are as strong at a soaked hor fun noodle). Anyhow, I reached the Dojo and was surprised to see about 30 or so other people ready for grading, warming up in great style in the room, and an even larger number of parents, partners and children around the room, to watch the event. And then, after 12 minutes (this is how much time my brain took to process this much information), it hit me: A CROWD!!!! No no no no no no no no no no no. I was never informed that there would be a crowd, people, humans, with eyes, ears and mouths, watching my attempt at Kalari. No. Oh no. I almost felt stressed, but then again, that would have required that I have some energy left, which was not the case. The first bad surprise of the day was out, and it was not too bad. I could manage a crowd, either by not caring or being incredibly good. I could do either.

Second bad surprise of the day. My tired eyes (still half way covered by heavy lids) had not noticed that we were all to be sorted by belt color. White for me. I am a newbie, and proud (for a few more seconds). And as we sort ourselves out (feels very hat sorting, harry potter like :p), i ended up not in Gryffindor, but in pre-pre-school. All other white belts were about 3 to 6 years of age. Of course, people usually start martial arts earlier than 30. Oh Lord Shiva, save me from self-combustion. To give you an idea, yellow belts were around 12 to 16 years of age, orange belts up to 26 and blacks belts above.

Obviously, Master Edward was kind enough not to get me to go through the whole grading practice with the other white belts. I am not sure if he did that to save my face, to acknowledge my more advanced skills, or simply because he was scared I would crush one of these little ones when doing my break falls. Anyway, it worked out ok, i did all my falls (1 to 12, which is a yellow/orange belt level). My moving steps worked wonderfully, my Suvudu were beautiful (though slow, but everyone told me it was better that way cause i showed the judges I knew each step in detail). My VT (attack/self-defense) were very lame though. I was bad, and the guy fighting me too uncertain of his movements too. So bad that Master asked me again to come up 'on stage' and redo them, with someone else. And I did better.

After that, we went on outside for the physical strength test. I passed with flying colors, but that was easy for me: core with a little wheel in your hands, lifting up and down, 20 knuckle push-ups (I looooooooove chaturanga dandasana). Others, including the older ones, were having a rough time, surprisingly though.

I think I did OK, but the most gratifying moment of the evening is when 2 of the yellow belts, about 14 years of age, told me, as we were sitting down waiting for the last grading, 'you did very well, you don't worry, your technique is very good'. I am always amazed when children display greater maturity and compassion than adults. And that they acknowledge my anxiety and have no problem extending a virtual hand to lift me up is amazing. If adults were less cocky and as in tune with the Energetic Heart as these kids and teenagers, the world would surely be a better place than it is. And that applies to the government of this VERY VERY VERY imperfect fucking island.

Something I have really come to learn, appreciate and enjoy in Kalari, is the power of observing. About a third of the practice involves, for all of us, to observe others display their steps. At first, my hyperactive pitta nature thought it was a waste of time and practice, and that we ought to be practicing. But over time, and thanks to Master Edwards, I have sat down, watched, meditated and absorbed. And oh my god! I had never realised how important in the learning process it is to observe, look at more senior people practice. Not that I am to learn their steps, but watching them move gracefully and lightly, I absorb the essence of the practice, its lightness, its spirit, my destination. And I have been amazed by how much I have taken in and progressed, without any expectation or realization of it. I had always been aware of the power of visual display, and that is why I am so drawn to Shiva Rea, who deeply believes in the role of the teacher in embodying yoga for the benefits of students. I believe in demonstrating in class. But I am even a greater believer of that now. It is such a powerful way to transmit energy and eternal intelligence without words. I worsship the ability of our body to convey, and the power of the senses to absorb.

But as a result of all this excitement yesterday, I am left, for the first time truly in my life, with no core. I can't even hold myself sitting up, my belly is floating out, and I can't laugh or talk too long... Let's worship that today, and take it easy then. I a off to Little India for a lovely meal (my delish South India Thali), and to soak in the lights of Deepavali.

And to close, I had the weirdest dreams last night: Imperfect Husband (VERY IMPERFECT in my dream) had been cheating on me for a long while, with a GIRL! And he showed no remorse, no concern, no emotion. That is, that's all. I was speechless. And single. And then, my mom was doing the same to my dad, with a man, and that was it too. Damn, I woke up in a nasty mood, and it took a few good minutes for the bad energy to wear off. I wonder what that means. I did ask Imperfect Husband if there was anything I should know though... Seems there isn't.

Long post today.

Shanti and love.

PS: I will know next Saturday if I made it to the next Kalari belt. If not, I suck big time, if so, I rock and rule :P

Change is in the air

For those who wonder why everything seems to be going into bursting destruction and change this year, 2008 is the year of Shiva. If you wonder who Shiva is, read this. Shiva is part of the Hindu holy trinity, and is the third God (not in ranking of importance though): Brahma is the Creator, Vishnu the Preserver, and Shiva has the honor of being the Destroyer. Pretty scary deity for some, when he walks around with his necklace made of human skulls and his blue skin.

All in all, Shiva is the best deity around, I feel. It definitely took a tall blue-skinned violent God to kick me strong in the butt and get me to move ahead in my Life. I felt so sure about the need to leave my job and life as an investment banker, and yet... You know you are burying yourself in a life of seemingly plenty, but even the money does not help make it feel bearable anymore. And yet it seems impossible to have the balls to put an end to it all. Start anew and be who you are destined to be. And I made it. I guess a lot of things made that possible, first of all people: Imperfect Husband, Perfect Guru (who is interestingly called Shiva as well), and an intuition that I should trust the Universe.

And I can't believe how good it feels. Not only has the Universe brought me all I needed since then, job, money, house... but it really feels good to wake up in the morning and not feel like you have a stone in the stomach cause you have to go to work, which you hate, and you must leave home, which you love. It never really stroke me as that simple, but the key to being happy is really to do more of the things that we like, and less of those we don't. The big big sticking point is, though, that years, decades, centuries of catholic and protestant rambling on this world (and I believe I can safely extent that statement to other monotheist religions) have raised guilt, suffering and misery to the altar of worship, and most of our friends in this Life feel unsafe and guilty when they actually are at ease, in love, happy and content. Well, after roughly 20 odd years of denying my true nature and 10 more forcing myself down a path that I had been convinced was my own, I decided to throw my foot down onto the Earth, shatter the chains and live in the Truth. Was not easy, but fully worth the while. And once you are there, you wonder why you did not do it before. It was not meant to be, probably too early, but still. So many moments of misery, of despair, so many pounds accumulated through drinking and eating to fill a bottomless well...

And then I want to scream. I AM GAY. I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM IN LOVE. I HATED THIS LIFE OF PRETENSE. I AM A GREAT SOUL. I AM A DESERVING HUSBAND, SON, FRIEND, BROTHER. I AM THE DIVINE. I AM THE LIGHT. I AM WHO I AM. I AM.

I have so much anger, and so much compassion all at once. Two cohabiting contradicting sides of the same thing, in a very tight body (though I have much skin to house a few more people).

Life is such a gift. Don't deny the possibility of changing to upgrade your daily experience, even if that means destroying the present every night before you go to bed, to create a new present as you wake up in the morning. I love that amazing sentence by Paul Ortega, which he shared with us in LA last summer: 'Don’t wait until you are in horrible circumstances to display bigness, consciousness and spanda. Do that every day in your Life.'

Time to go and hugs my imperfect dogs, and show them the love.

Shanti OM.

IY

Wattaweek

Wattaweek. Got my fortune told, a friend is leaving town, my sister is moving back to France, intensive practices all week, 2 Kalari sessions, a new computer, no more holidays, and plenty of good food.

Much to share, I will get down to it.

And Gopi called yeah :)

IY

Cours de bonheur?

FINALLY! I was just checking the French news on TV5, and after announcing that the French president is getting a divorce (not passing judgment, but how can someone so self-involved have ever convinced someone to share a lifetime together?), they had this amazing short piece on a new initiative in Swiss high schools.

From this week onwards, most high school students across Switzerland with be having classes on happiness. Just like students attend math, French or history classes, they will now also receive education on the concept and details of happiness. I find that such a thrilling idea! They interviewed students who just left the class, and they all seemed so thrilled, surprised, awaken... The fact that no exam will take place in these classes probably helps, but I think this is the most important subject any young adult can be educated upon these days.

Long live Switzerland. I am truly thinking of moving over to that splendid place, more so every day.

Shanti Om.

IY

Back on the rope

Ready to write again. I had a black out, too busy and dry, I guess. The juices are flowing, so get ready to read me again.

IY

Global Mala in Singapore

Come come come come come to Pure Raffles City on September 22nd at 9AM for a round of 108 sun salutations to celebrate Peace Day and the World!

I will be leading the Practice, don't be late.

Where is the Rasa?????????

I am juiceless today. No Rasa. No Bhava. No mood. No practice.

Meditation. 108 neeralamba mantras. Breathing. Cleaning the toilet floor. Flossing. Tongue scraping. Salad. One muffin (bloody hell, it was from Imperfect Mama in law - sinful but gewd :D).

Missing winter in Hong Kong, the snow in Japan. Tired again. Of Maya. But no Rasa to work on opening up.

Damn!

IY