Headaches of an imperfect yogi

Did you know that...

2010-03-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

You find, for the same volume, 10 times more adrenaline cells in a tear than in blood, which clinically explains the stress-release effect of crying (over bleeing, I guess :p).

Freaky. Crying IS the ultimate stree relief, confirmed!

Now

2010-03-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

Now is where it all happens. As much as my mind tries to sink ever so much into the past, mine and that of the people I love most, nothing is left there to be found.

Now is when we experience the course of our Lives, and where we are given the power of choice, the ability to feel and the right to joy. Time is an illusion, scientists will agree, as the only instant of action and reality is now. I find striking that the universe allows us to see the past because light travel too slow in this wide open space, but even there, where we can see planets as they were thousands of years ago, we are looking at the current reflection of the past onto our Selves today. The perception, the understanding of what we believe to be seeing in happening now, no matter when or how the events actually unfolded.

And because there is only now, the why does not matter. Why does my mind keep clinging back to the past? Why is it trying to evaluate the Now based on events that have disappeared, and whose effect, the only way to experience them, are carried in the present moment? I am today the result of my past, but not just. Because I am much more complex than that. Similarly for other people and events. The present moment can not be reduced to the output of the past.

And yet, we all try to validate the present moment, or worse, evaluate the future, based on what has happened. Worse even, we evaludate the present and the future through our fantasies of what our past and that of others has been. Cynical, but ridiculous, that we would use outdated and unreliable information, processed through the drama-loving emotional body, to decide what to do today, how to feel today, and what tomorrow holds.

I am figthing hard, today, to block the past out. And to wonder why.

The solution is not to be found in the why, as if things that were explained were no longer causing harm. I have tried, it does not work. Instead, I am trying, hard as I can, to be here and now. To fend off the past's attempts at splurging back into my present experience. So that i can finally stop being blinded, and see, feel, experience the Now as it truly is.

The past sets bars, usually too high. The past wants us back or makes us feel we have eternally missed out.

But the Now is an open field. Where things happen as we live and direct them.

What am I feeling Now? What do I choose Now?

'Let us flow in the current of the present moment, without attachement and without detachement, without hope and without fear.'

I will try that today, after I've sucked up my coffee and completed my planning memo!

Change: do you make it happen, or do your set yourself up for it?

2009-06-04T03:51:00.001-07:00

Not too long ago, I did a reading with an energy reader from Australia, who proved totally amazing and insanely humble. Besides all the amazing information and details she came up with, she said something at the end of our time together that struck me like lightening. It was so obvious and yet so profound that I lost the ability to talk (now, THAT is a miracle) and got stuck on the light of this Truth.

She said: ‘Change naturally unfolds when your energetic and emotional frequency is where it needs to be’.

Amazing.

Forcing change, creating change, enabling change, igniting change. Externally. Was that all a dream and lost attempt at shaping the world around me when I was not ripe inside? Does that mean that all you need to work on to change your world is to change your Self? Even more abruptly, is there any point at all in trying to shift our surroundings until we have shifted our inner world?

First of all, this is a new paradigm for me. Not that I have never experienced the organic process of changing naturally when you are spontaneously ready. I have experienced that many times over, when you are so ready for a shift that manifesting it is a necessity that could overcome any obstacle. When things are so clean inside and out that there is no more question. Just an answer. But I have never tried to make this a practice, and I often find myself in a place where I try to change things, rush others, stop some when truly, the winds are not there yet. And I feel it. YOU feel it. When you try hard and truthfully to generate something, make something happen and no matter how hard or honestly you try, it just does not work. That failure to manifest is often nothing but a sign that things are just not ready yet.

Does this mean that will power and hard work are useless? I think not. The way I feel this is that will power and hard work are both required to create an inner practice of aligning yourself with what you want to achieve. Use this energy to visualize, to feel, to align your heart and mind, to bring yourself to a place of certainty. Felt and experienced certainty, not theorized or intellectualized certainty. So often we try to feel with our heads, when we should feel with our hearts. And too often we try to act from our hearts, when we should act from our bellies.

All this is telling us – and ME – is that we should try on creating the space for change in ourselves, no matter what that requires. It is telling us that while it is important to keep an eye on the end-picture, we need to keep working now on creating the perfect foundation and environment for change. Talk to our hearts, build the belly and heart fires to allow the change to unfold from within, organically.

Surrender? That is probably what it really means. Not give up, but understand that deadlines and timelines are the play of our minds, wanting to show how much in charge they are. When they are not.

So can we allow our hearts to love that future we want to manifest, and our bellies to sustain the shock of the transformation we want to materialize? Can we allow ourselves to be the change we want to see in the (our) world?

Do we have the courage to wait?

Do we have the faith to trust?

Do we have the confidence to look within to act without?

Do we?

Do I?

You've been walking the ocean's edge, holdingup your robes to keep them dry...

2009-06-03T04:08:00.000-07:00

Today, I was having lunch, then coffee with a lovely friend of mine who is just back from this amazing city that is Paris. She brought me back 2 little presents. One for me and one for me and the Lover. She will smile when she reads how I describe this. Anyhow, we started talking about how we are just so immersed in the present moment in our Lives these days, and that we wish we were independently wealthy to fully appreciate and dive into such experiences. Learning languages. Teaching yoga. Travelling to places that we feel pranically attracted to. So many things that would either have a cost, or require that we take time (but not money) off work.

There seems to always be that painful challenge in life where you either have time or money at a point in time, but that both resources, which are both needed to a certain extent, never can be managed or achieved at once.

And then we got to think… Why doesn't the Universe readily give you all the resources you need to fully manifest your potential in this lifetime? Why do you always need to work your way to something, in order to get to something else? And why does that rule just not apply to a minority of very lucky individuals, who seem to have been given both the gift of Time and Abundance at once?

So what is the point of never being able to fully immerse in the experience you feel you need to grow and develop all that you need to learn or work on? I will of course acknowledge the usual standard ‘perfect’ yogic answer, that you either don’t really need what you want, or that the work required to get there is what you actually need to derive your learning from. That sounds all really good and smart, but from a very pragmatic perspective, here is my issue. Where does a corporate job that takes up many hours, much presence and creates a lot of confusion and tension fit on my journey not too enlightenment (I don’t have that pretention) but to perfecting myself? Why does fitting a physical practice into a day require such pressure? Why does fitting a trip to meet old friends and dear family members create such a maze of decisions? Why can I not spend most of my time with my beloved to learn more about us, enjoy the presence of each other and learn from each other about who we individually are?

Why are there so many roadblocks on a daily and recurring basis between your Self and the Good? Why is there a shared social acceptance, for which even yogis have tried to find theories or justifications, that Life is not meant to be fun or filled with pleasure and leisure? Why have we all come to accept that once you become an adult, Life is just not as much fun anymore? And I personally don’t buy all the amazing theories that have been put together by philosophers, thinkers and yogis alike. Look at children. Why do we accept the fact that Learning and Playing is what should fill their days, week days and week ends alike, until pay-back time comes and they have to start being separated from fun all over again?

What can we do, as almost fully operating adults, to bring the fun back into our lives and refuse to accept the fact that LIFE SUCKS MOST OF THE TIME?????
I don’t have the beginning of an idea at this stage.

But I am working on it.
- I guess that finding a job that fills you with excitement is one thing.
- Making sure you don’t devote too much to work, no matter how much you love it, is probably another.
- Knowing what really matters in your Life is another.
- Winning the lottery is a great way, although it depends much on Ma Lakshmi.
- Spending time to really identify what rocks your boat and what makes sense on your path is super duper important.
- Reviewing whatever you think matters on a daily basis is required.
- Listening to your heart every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to bed is another.
- Letting your loved ones love you, and making time for you to receive and swim in that love is key from my perspective.
- Being creative to create new pockets of fun in your life is paramount.

For the rest, I hope to win the lottery and remain healthy and in LOVE, and enjoy that for at least a little while. Because I was thinking of the people who sadly saw the end of this incarnation in the crash of the flight from Rio to Paris early this week.

Some of them had probably worked a long time to afford that trip. Or some had just finally decided to stop it all and finally have fun. But maybe the lesson is that they waited too long?

That this trip that we all wish to take one day to claim reward for all the hardship in our lives should be taken today. Not tomorrow.

Today.

Maybe we should all leave our jobs at once. All of us. To render the system pointless and create a completely new paradigm.

That love and light and ecstasy is the natural rhythm of Life.

That we should not, collectively, have to work our asses off, in dirt mines or office cubicles, to eat, have a roof over our head, or attend school or trainings on things that are likely to change our lives. Time with our lovers and children and parents should not be subject to the pre-requisite of doing something that kills the little flame in your heart 8 to 12 hours a day.

There should be no prerequisite to ecstasy. There is no preparation for joy. It is happening now right here. In you!

NOW!

Rumi says...

You've been walking

the ocean's edge, holding

up your robes to keep them dry.

You must dive naked under,

and deeper,

under, a thousand times deeper!

Gotta love it!

2009-05-18T05:20:00.001-07:00

Perfect translation of the 'vibration' I was talking today in my blog. Go Olivia Ruiz!

Elle panique!

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/olivia+ruiz/video/x94nig_olivia-ruiz-elle-panique_music

STOP IT!

2009-05-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Noticing when things go weird, and claiming your power to say STOP!

It happens all the time in our Lives, and it will happen again in the next. It happens to all of us, from the most casual souls among us, to those whom we believe to be evolved spirits or incredibly grounded beings. It happens all the time that at some point, when things are otherwise fine, a flame of doubt, a vibration of fear, a shadow of uncertainty will arise and create that all too familiar queasy feeling in your belly, in your heart or in your throat.

All of us, at some point, will not be sufficiently strong or grounded or rested to avoid the troubles spelt by this invasion of our Present, by images of our external mind, or unprocessed views of our Past and Future. All of us will start feeling this drain of Prana Shkati, like a pierced bottle at the root of our being, letting our sacred and vital energy flow outwards, depleting even further our ability to cope with this dramatic experience. All of us will experience that shaking moment where we no longer seem to be able to control our thoughts, our emotions, and inner flow, and when we seem to be bitten right on the neck by the long sharp teeth of our inability to stay whole and centered.
It happened to me not too long ago, in the most cataclysmical intensity that I have ever come to face in my Lifetime. And it is happening again today. However, I feel that today, I am able to see it coming, I am able to feel the rotten smell of that pranic invasion and to feel the presence of the beast behind my back. Last night, as I went to bed, I knew it was there. I could feel its glowing wet yellow eyes on my back. I could feel the hair on the little of my neck rise. I could smell around me the sudden withdrawal of air and space, as if I was suddenly being concealed in an air-tight chamber, knowing very well that oxygen would not take long to run out.

I felt it.

And because I was able to feel it, I am activating today all the protection I need to fight back in full potency, avoid another dramatic collapse of my energy and emotional level, and sustain the integrity of my sacred space and soul. How? Ah… That is an exceptional question. I do not have an answer, but I have many. We all have an underlying pattern when it comes to experiencing fear. Although moving into full analysis of the patterns as the attack hits is usually too late, you must be able to pinpoint immediately that gut feeling that is dawning upon you. But I will get back to that later. I will focus now on what can be done, from my humble experience, to push back the insanity, the energetic theft, the vibration of fear, right as it hits.

- Clear the space: as it hits, exclude from your pranic space anything that is not exclusively You: music that reminds you of something or someone, smells that pull you to loved ones, food that is not your very own favorite and most balancing option, clothes that you bought with or for someone, necklace, statues and other representations of living beings or ishta devatas (deities)… This very effectively helps you push back out anything that could be at the root of the intrusion, whether you am conscious of it or not. By reducing the clutter around and inside you, and by retaining or bringing in things that are very exclusively you (I do highlight the ‘exclusively’), you can achieve grounding and clarity at an amazing speed. This sounds silly, but in my case, it goes as far as wearing clothes or playing music that I purchased when I was single, wearing a perfume that I wore during my young adult (single) years, eating bread that I no longer buy but that I had the habit of eating daily when I was growing up…

- Cleanse the space: this is a tricky one. Cleansing is an important practice, but if we rely on external forces or faces to help us cleanse the space, we may end up putting in jeopardy the space clearing exercise that we have completed as an initial step. Cleansing should be done, in these specific moments of strong vibrational fear, exclusively from the inside to the outside, and with no reliance whatsoever on external media or intervention. I am very much in favor of using white sage or a simple stick of incense (light neutral smell only), and avoid as much as possible calling upon Gods, gurus or other incarnated energies to help me clear the space. While we all have (or should have) a protector, it remains an external force, and while its help can be of use, I personally talk directly to external energies as I walk around the house while burning sage, and invite, politely but clearly, all external energies, good or bad, to clear out and move away from my sacred space. This practice raises a very interesting question, which I have personally had to face: that of the vampire’s kiss. When cleansing, we always think of parting from the bad and retaining the good, but cleansing is a more dramatic practice than that. Vampires are not always intentionally hurtful or consciously preying on you: it is said that a vampire’s kiss gives you a moment of ecstasy before damning you for eternity. Good energies, such as love and friendship, are binding and limiting, and can be the source of attachments, that eventually lead to fear or neurosis, especially if the intensity of the vibration of that very emotion exceeds our energetic ability to deal with it (think of being insanely in love and forgetting your own good because your are so fully consumed by that tsunami-like feeling of Love). To give you an example, asking the energy of your Lover to leave you alone and to get out of your sacred space is interestingly one of the most potent cleansing practices you should do. Love should be retained, of course, but cleansing requires fullness, and the object of your Love should be asked to leave. Naturally, the obvious negative energies should be pushed back, but anything that can be or is a source of drain to the outside must be cleared as well. And the most positive and intense emotions and relationships in your Life fall directly under this category. So go ahead my friends, cleanse away, and be fair and balanced in this.

- Pull your aura in: and here we enter the really challenging practices, as they are to be performed at every instant of your day, whenever you prepare to re-enter the flow of your life after the clearing and cleansing is done. When you enter that space of energetic neurosis, your first goal throughout the first few days, as you roam the flow of your life, will be to stay drawn in, centered and to avoid the temptations of letting your energy leave you further. So you must pull your aura in. Visualize your aura like a bed sheet that people and events that surround you try to pull towards them. This is even more the case if you are the kind of person that people like to stay close to in order to feel taken care of, protected or inspired. This is typical of yoga teachers or people with strong energy fields. During these first few days, it will be your duty to avoid thinking of the past and future, of letting your mind be engaged in others’ flow, of letting your energy leak towards the people in your life. It is time to be Present inside! This is very true as well of people that you love or that make you feel secure. Your duty is to pull the pranic sheet back to you: as you walk in the street and someone or something catches your attention, refuse to let your mind and energy wonder, whenever you invoke the image of a loved or worshipped one to make you feel better, look inside and breathe into your heart and down into your belly. Be disciplined to the extreme about the flow of your energy, which MUST originate from within and move back within. I personally visualize 6 layers of protection, like plastic wraps a few inches away from my body, preventing anything from coming in and anything from going out. I breathe into my heart space, visualizing a cloud of prana flowing in my chest, and breathe out into my third and second chakras through raindrops resulting from the condensation of that pranic cloud located at the heart. When I see myself being pulled out of my protective space, I pull that tentacle of energy right back in and look down to avoid the temptation of dispersing myself or being drawn out. Simply put, pull your aura back in and keep it close to you, well protected within your pranic ziplock bag.

- Nurture yourself: this is the medicine that needs to be applied to promote healing. It can take many shapes and forms because we all come from different lineages and have different practices. So choose wisely and practice rigorously: meditate, move, write, cook, sleep, walk, swim, breathe. Do it. Just do it. Don’t expect any benefit beyond the practice, except the practice itself. The practice is solely here to ground you in the present moment, and to reload your energy level. Do each one of your practices with full intention, and with simplicity. And remember that at these times of danger and fear, more than ever, less is more. Do not engage in vigorous or new asana practices that you are not familiar with, or that are too draining and could lead you to feel depleted. Take it easy, nurture yourself and accept that when under the Attack, only your root and well-established practices will serve you.

- Stop it! Just remember that you are an expression of the Divine, and that although you are a part, a building block of a greater Universe, you, as an individual, are a full expression of the whole Universe in its entirety. You can watch what is going on inside you and - with full intention - decide to STOP IT! You can freely talk to your outer mind, with love and compassion, and tell it to stop it. You can caringly recognize your limitations and fears, and still find within the power to stop it. So say it. Mantras help, and they don’t have to be complex invocations in foreign languages. As my beloved Shannon told me so many times, tell yourself, at the appropriate moment: ‘I can stop this now!’. And you will.

And now you will want to ask: ‘should I not try to understand and figure out and comprehend and analyze and resolve and process, as a means of fighting the intrusion more effectively?’. It is key indeed to observe your pattern and witness what kick-starts it, whether it is an attachment to someone, a fear of loss or isolation or whatever else. You might even come to understand that very basic environmental conditions, from the weather, to your diet or a vacuum of activities in your Life can easily switch on the neurosis. The better you understand the root cause of all this, the more your will be able to see it coming. You may not be able to prevent it, but the earlier your will see it switch on, the earlier and the more effectively you will be able to activate the practices we have mentioned above.

And every time, it will get easier. Shorter. And you will feel further empowered as you start gaining fractions of control over your inner workings.

Just remember, you are the Universe. This is not happening TO you. This is happening WITHIN you.

So today, as the vibration strikes, I say STOP!

Being faithful

2009-05-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

How do you define being faithful? Not in terms of manifesting exclusivity. Not in promising monogamy.

Here is what I came up with a few months ago with my dear friend Christine: 'Out of all the times I am going to be wanting to have sex, I will choose to be having it with you, or not.'

Being faithful is about intensity, but also about surrendering to your Love.

Ay mi amor, ay mio...

IY

When things come to an end…

2009-04-28T05:08:00.001-07:00

Life is a river. Often, we try to preempt its currents and depth, but more often than not, true healing occurs when we allow ourselves to bathe in its flow first, and let it indicate to us where things are going. Recently, I have been reminded that when we resolve our energetic issues and heal our Pranic wounds, things organically become clear, and the shift spontaneously happens.

For a long time, I have been in a sea of Change, that I had been willingly invoking, and that had proven necessary on so many levels. Nataraja was showering me with his blessings and taking me down the road I had never travelled.
But once things clear and the inner sky becomes bright enough, it is necessary to acknowledge that time has come to honor the shift, and move on.

The pain and inner winding I have been going through in the last year has been necessary, and has allowed more than one amazing thing to occur. Love has ended, and Love has come to me again. My plans have been shattered, and a new Life has emerged, unseen but inevitable. People have left, and new ones have arrived. Most importantly, I have changed, and time for recognition has come.

This week, I am parting from two of the strongest energies that have guided my Life in the last 6 years. Last week, I have taken the last steps towrds something that had become obvious and necessary. Nataraja, whom I worship and thank always, had to move on from me to other grounds that need his Sacred Dance of Destruction - for I no longer need it. He is out of my house for now, and the space left behind will be occupied by none other than me. I have new partners too, the Lover and the Goddess, but I am now ready to move into the center of my Life, and lead from this place of clarity. And today, the person who had blessed my Life with Love and Presence and Devotion and Patience for many years is going too. Officially, but also energetically. The closure has arrived and can no longer be denied.

And so, in 30 minutes, I will be going to the French Embassy to dissolve the last thing that needs to be dissolved: my legal union to my ex-Life Partner. We have given each other all that we had to give. Too much some will say, but all that there was. As Rumi says: ‘give everything that you are, knowing it is nothing’. And as we have, it is now time to honor the end of that Sacred Cycle, and let Peace take residence in our Lives.

In an hour, I will be officially single. I will not give myself away to the new Love that has blessed my Life. No. I will occupy that space wholly. Challenging as it is for me, I will learn to step into my Castle and refuse anyone else to be there besides Me. It will not be easy, because it has been my habit to lean on others or allow others to be supported by me. Thanks to energy healers, friends and my Sacred Self, I have been able to discover and inhabit my aura more than I ever have. And from the top of this mountain that I have newly climbed, I will Love, be loved, and let the Creativity, the Self-Trust and the Love for the Universe grow. With no more expectations and the resolution to be within, here and now.

The practice is only starting, but old as I am getting, it is about time.

When things come to an end, it is time to rest. And to invite the fragrant flowers into one’s heart.

With Trust and Faith.

All Love.

All ways.

IY

The Holy Void

2009-04-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

I am alone. I am not single. I am alone.

But the heart space is pounding.

For months now, I have been surfing an unexpected river of Love, of devotion, of presence and of intense pleasure. Not a day goes by without my feeling whole and blessed. Not a day goes by that I look at my Life and see treasures to enjoy and light to bask in. The challenges and obstacles are there, but they seem to have been brought along only to highlight how much stronger the beauty of the Shri is. Every day, whether I am alone or not, I am never alone.
He who has entered the castle of my heart has come here to open my heart. And he does. I am so in Love, so with Love that I drown in the oddest mixture of grace and uncontrollable vibration. His name does not matter. His looks, most attractive and acutely endearing as they are, matter not. I am at peace and at play just standing by his side. I am swimming in heaven when I fall asleep against him, only to awake lost in the delightful trap of his arms and legs. I crave his body and lips and stare and voice and scent. I crave being who I am when he is around. Rarely have I felt so moved to be more of myself, to immerse deeper into the fullness of what I can be.

He is a practice, and a challenging one sometimes. Seeing him relish in his independence and observing people ignite in his proximity… I wish I could save this only for myself, but it is the very fact that he is of the world and in the world that makes me vibrate with Love. I will never own him, and in this, I have found freedom. I must feel content - and do - with the fact that he is giving me everything, except himself. He has pushed me into my Shakti, Goddess, territory, in ways no one had before. It is blissful, but the control-freak, shiva side of me is struggling to let go. To surrender and just receive. And through this building the foundation of a future together. Not keeping things close and tight with the sheer strength of my arms. Trusting. Myself before him or the Universe. Accepting that I can only immerse myself in the delight of the moment, as it is, a great grand fulfilling and overwhelmingly catalyst of joy, while refusing to save some for later. Holding the moment as it is, not freezing it to save it for tomorrow.

I have, through the Love that has emerged around us in this most unexpected relationship, been given the superb opportunity to practice acceptance and standing still in the frantic tremors of my Heart. I am scared often. But I need only remember who I am, and who he is, to feel safe that what needs to happen will happen. Even miracles. Especially miracles.

And so I love. Whether I am alone or I am with him.

I love.

Because that’s what I do best.

I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way. Whoever brought me here will have to take me Home.

2009-02-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

I have been silent for a while. And needed to. When one goes through intense motions of transformation, ecstatic and beautiful as they are, privacy is of the essence. And as I come out again, transformed, renewed and refreshed, I am ready to talk.

New job, flourishing love, resolved heart injuries. Plenty on the plate, and all under one single omen: simplicity.

I will see you all next week end for practice at Chevron and NAC. And Copper and I are preparing, if things work out between my schedule and Pure's space, a string of amazing community events, and primarily a Yoga Trance Dance to celebrate the opportunities that arise out of this amazing crisis we are all navigating through.

Remember that Love is not the solution, but all there really is to anything.

F

All day
I think about it,
then at night
I say it.

"Where did I come from,
and what am I supposed
to be doing?"

I have no idea.

My soul is from elsewhere,
I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness
began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober.

Meanwhile, I'm like a bird
from another continent, siting in this aviary.

The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear, who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.

If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.

I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here will have to take me Home.

This poetry. I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.

Shams Tabriz, if you would show your face to me again
I could flee, the imposition of this life.

- Rumi, version by Coleman Barks

Grace...

2008-12-06T21:56:00.001-08:00

pale sunlight
pale the wall

love moves away,
the light changes

i need more grace
than i thought

- Rumi

The Sacred Place

2008-11-24T04:15:00.000-08:00

A sacred place…

Bells ringing in the distance. Invocations being ushered through loudspeakers across the space. The rumor of the crowd, proceeding towards the sacred gateways. The bright lights cleansing the emptyspace above us. Sparse furniture. Incredibly high ceilings, that let the sunlight through here and there… A sense of isolation in this crowded place. A sense of being at peace, of being with the One, of being the One. At home, but in the home of the heart. Where everything meets. Lights, Soul, Eternity…

I am writing, at last, and again, from this place that has become one of the most sacred for me in this last year.

Of all places… Really.

Really…

Come on…

Yes!

Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi airport.

Same coffee place as many times this year. Same seat as many times this year. Same inspiration and inner opening to the infinite as many times this year.

What, of all places, makes a space, like this place, confined to the extent of what my ipod lets through, Sacred to me? Is Sacred anything we make Sacred? Does the Sacred actually arise from within?

Here is what makes THIS place Sacred to me. Like no other.

It all started this year. Flying over to Japan with Shiva to assist her for a week-end and connecting through BKK. As I had left home, I had had one of the most challenging discussion in my Life ever. My beloved, then, and I had realized, not accepted, nor decided, but realized that we needed space. That our Sacred union was no longer bearing fruits or giving us a sense of fullness. My heart full of a terrifying and complex mesh of emotions that I could not make sense of, not even contemplate, I deplaned in BKK for a 4 hours stop over, and I sat. With my journal. And I sat. And felt. Felt with such intensity. What was there to be felt. And that was a defining moment of my year. Sitting on this seat, letting the energy move through me, painfully. Not refusing the harshness of it all, not judging my clasping and anger and devotion. Not even watching it really. Feeling. As my Tradition teaches us to meditate: let feelings unfold and stay with them until your have absorbed them in the space of the heart. And this is how an awe-inspiring and terrifying outpour of emotions started transforming that random seat in a neutral café in BKK's airport into a Temple of my Heart. A Sacred place.

Today still, I feel here, in this amazing space, the waves of energy that washed through me 8 months ago… 8 months. Today. Exactly today. I just realized today that today is 8 months to the day from that sacred day when I left my expectations. When I checked in my former life at the airport, and that ONE luggage got lost for good and never made its way back to me. A former Life that I worship without regretting it.

And again I flew through BKK in April, on my way to Japan again, with Catherine. My dearest friend… And then too, energy moved through me. Loss. The reality has sunk in, and the prospect of building a new Life, was dawning on me. And God was I trying hard not to consciously resist that Change, when all I was instinctually drawn to was digging my heels in the pranic sand of my emotional desert and, well, RESIST. I had met someone in Japan, and knowing that this would probably not lead to nothing, I had been reminded that I would have to go out into the world of dating again, and meet people, and put my Self out there and yuk, yuk yuk build something. Again, I was alone in that same café in BKK's airport, and feelings were still intense. I remember thinking: how do I make sense of this amazing new play of actions that I really really really did not want and that I still do not want to have to deal with? Why do I have to do this? Do I even have a choice? How does my spiritual practice apply to this? Oh well, easy one this time around. The Gita is clear. Do not refuse the terms and conditions of your embodiment. You are a soldier? Then fight! You are a corporate manager? Then manage (ethically)! You are a householder and a lover? Then hold that house and Love! Love. That was the word. I had to let Love run through me again. With the risk of losing it - again. Of being hurt and falling flat on my face. Again. AGAIN! AGAIN!
And then again, that seat took an even more intense pranic charge, as I let my feeling mind, that sacred heart consciousness, hridaya, take over the process.
In BKK's airport.

And then again, here I was in August. Unexpectedly. I was bound to India but a few days before departing, my dearest friend Annie and I decided to change our plans and make our way to Ayuthaya instead, the former Thai capital. Why? We will never know. All I know is we were both destined to sit in a certain outdoor temple complex, in a small shrine dedicated to a huge thin Buddha, and find a sacred yoni, buried deep in the Earth below an amazing Temple. And receive Sacred pranic slaps in our faces for the whole duration of the trip. Being told who we were. Realizing what we were not. Making peace with what we could certainly be but never would. Because it was not the dharma of this Sacred Embodied Incarnation. Intensity. Talk about intensity! Om Tat Sat.
And as I left (and waited for my delayed flight for 8 hours in my Sacred airport), I had time to look down into the Sacred Lake of my heart again. So much complexity had been dissolved. So much clarity had arisen. So much acceptance had come up in my heart. That was big: I had transmuted the pain, not dissolved it. And there was still Love. Infinite Oceans of Love. For myself, to start with, but also for my former Beloved. Still. With the acceptance that this Love would never be consumed, but would never die. Knowing. That amazingly powerful energy of knowing, at last. Jnana. Which I had oh so many times discounted as useless. The experience of sacred knowledge. Not wisdom, just knowing what is. Not the future, but what is to be known now. Or for now.
And again that seat, that café, BKK's airport. And for the very first time in a very long time. A smile. Faint. But a smile. On the corner of my lips. Because, very much because, as I had told to my pranic wife in LA a few weeks before (and for those of you who have explored the sacred scripture Vjnana Bhairava Tantra - I told her what I needed to hear, so I could remember it), everything is going to be just fine. Just fine. Fine. And knowing this. Not believing anymore but knowing, in some sacred place in me, was all I needed to gain. And I did.

And today, here I am again. November. BKK airport, same seat, same café. I feel, as I am writing these words, that I have been on a pilgrimage this year. A circumambulation around my Heart. A sacred journey to the infinite space of the Universe inside me. A discovery into a remembrance of my Self. And as I sit, once more, in that Sacred Temple of my existence, I contemplate, with peace and gratitude where I am. On so many levels, I am in a place of full resonance with the Universe, inclusive of its challenges and my fuck-ups. I am embodied to be here, and to go through these meandrous rivers of Experience. Because the remembrance of the Self, the splendorous recognition of being the One, lies in experience. Especially in the sharp and dark corners of existence. As someone told me long ago, the greatest light is to be found in the greatest darkness. And as darkness breaks, great Love and Ecstasy pours through, like juice out of a ripe orange. In the shape of so many things that we did not expect. For me, in the embodied light of He who Loves me to insanity right now.
As I sit one more time in this airport, I realize I am not a super-hero. I am nothing special. I am just a Lover. I am a struggling actor of my Life, with the volition, the iccha Shakti, to leap into the Fire and never resist it anymore.

Time heals burns and wounds. What is combusted beyond recoverability was needed to let go of. Discard the old so you can cultivate the new.

In peace, in ecstasy, in joyous Love. In harmony. In intensity. In the fire.

Closing with Rumi, as always:
'Go forward, knowing the path will vanish under you
Open your arms, knowing they will burn away
Give everything you are, knowing it is nothing
Bathe always in His river, even when it's blood.'

And Madonna, in style:
"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

What do you do?

2008-11-16T04:06:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you feel a river run through you? What do you do when your mind is fogged with the most ecstatic clouds in the sky? What do you do when your heart is so fully dedicated to another that nothing else can step into it, or come out of it? What do you do when you are, quite literally, intoxicated with Love? What do you do when you are unable to move, plan, process and even eat? What do you do? When Love strike in all its splendor and intensity?

When your waken dreams are making you unable to function? What do you do when you want to own something that you do not want to possess? Because you want to be possessed? What do you do when you don't expect it and Love meets you? When you are overwhelmed with desire, dedication and merging energies? What do you do?

You bathe in it, immerse yourself fully in the experience. Accept that Life's rhythm, suddenly, gets interrupted and that the river runs through you, while all other streams dry up. You do not observe. You jump into that ocean. You do not meditate on it. You accept the experience of it as the meditative process. You drink of that cup with full intention and surrender...

And you smile. Faintly. Inwardly. As the sun in your heart reflects the light of the Lover into your Soul. And the moonlight casts its blue light over the pathways of your destiny.

What do you do?

You don't think.

You breathe.

You live.

You love.

Like this...

De cara a la pared...

Rumi says...

If anyone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting
will look, lift your face
and say,
Like this.
When someone mentions the gracefulness
of the night sky, climb up on the roof
and dance and say,
Like this?
If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God's fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.
When someone quotes the old poetic image
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings
of your robe.
Like this?
If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,
don't try to explain the miracle.
Kiss me on the lips.
Like this. Like this.
When someone asks what it means
to "die for love," point
here.
If someone asks how tall I am, frown
and measure with your fingers the space
between the creases on your forehead.
This tall.
The soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.
When someone doesn't believe that,
walk back into my house.
Like this.
When lovers moan,
they're telling our story.
Like this.
I am a sky where spirits live.
Stare into this deepening blue,
while the breeze says a secret.
Like this.
When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand.
Like this.
How did Joseph's scent come to Jacob?
Huuuu.
How did Jacob's sight return?
Huuuuu.
A little wind cleans the eyes.
Like this.
When Shams comes back from Tabriz,
he'll put just his head around the edge
of the door to surprise us.
Like this

Lhasa says...

Llorando
De cara a la pared
Se para la ciudad
Llorando
Y no hay mas,
Muero quizas
Ha! Donde estas

Sonando
De cara a la pared
Se quema la ciudad

Sonando
Sin respirar
Te quiero amor
Te quiero amor

Rezando
De cara a la pared
Se hunde la ciudad

Rezando
Santa Maria
Santa Maria
Santa Maria

Om Para Shaktiye Namaha

2008-10-29T04:14:00.000-07:00

The Ocean is behind me, a great looking vegan dinner ahead of me. I spent the last few days - already - immersed in the lectures of an AMAZING Tantra teacher, Paul Muller Ortega, who is educating us, inspiring us and filling us with Damaru, the Creation power of Nataraja, the Cosmic Dancer incarnation of Lord Shiva.

Shiva, the Earthly one, my dearest teacher, is driving the students through ecstatic movements in the morning. So much to share in a few words, as my internet connection is limited. Lassia, Tandava. The combination of Shakti, subtle and radical, sweet and strong. Whole, but multiple.

I am in bliss, as always, as my dearest friends are around me, Shiva is blessing me with her teaching and fun, we are spending HOURS in the healing sulfuric baths of Esalen, which have been in use by native american tribes for years.

The fun is never ending: the lodge where the assistants' team sleep is... haunted. At least I am haunted. I was woken up on night 1 by someone walking on me. No one was there when i opened my eyes. Same last night, TWICE! And I was told today, as I asked the locals, that our dome, which is our room, is built on burrying ground. Of course. Lucky me. So now everyone asked me to talk to them tonight and see what 'they' want from me.

Anyhow, the Ocean is amazing. I am totally ecstatic, mind-blown by the teachings of Paul. Prashakti. The greatest. The source, of which there is no higher. The obligation to speak. To respond to the tickling of iccha shakti, will, determination. Never to stop talking and telling the truth, so that Saraswati, the incarnation that sits on our tongue, and controls the Flow of our speech, can reveal the Truth, sometimes harsh, sometimes not welcome, to our world.

Saraswati is the vehicle of Para Shakti, and self-censoring yourself, in words or action, is considering that the will and purpose of the Goddess is not important enough for respect or revelation. Ah, that makes a whole difference doesn't it? Speaking and teaching and revealing and expressing becomes an act of courage and love, as opposed to an act of immaturity.

So much more to come.

I am missing teaching. I am missing all of you guys. I am missing so many things. My beloved Marcel and Totoro, and for those who know, and wish to care, Jalil.

Words of Grace are the supreme Vehicle of Para. May they pour.

Om Namah Shivaya!

Om Namah Shivaya!

Om Namah Shivaya!

Jai ma Shakti! Navaratri

2008-10-02T04:13:00.000-07:00

Om Namah Shivaya!

After a month on the road, and numerous adventures, I have come back to Singapore. The last couple of weeks have been amazing. Lead-assisting Shiva's teacher training in LA was blissful and ecstatic, though definitely not a walk in the park. An unexpected but transcending, I mean TRANSCENDING initiation into the path of Shaivism, several cathartic moments in meditation and practice, the bliss of being in a perfect spot with my dearest friends, and of course, participating to the Yoga Journal Conference in the awesome mountains of Colorado, covering both the Grand Anusara gathering and the Main Conference. Reconnecting with dear friends and teachers and making new ones have made the last 2 weeks... ABUNDANTLY EXCITING!

And now back home. And much to do.

But the big piece that I want to share with you, yogis and yoginis, is that while I was airborne somewhere between LA, Paris and Singapore, the great cycle of the Tantric ritual of Navaratri started. Navaratri is a devotional ritual inviting us all to renewal and alignment with the greatest Energies of the Universe. Beginning on September 30th, Tuesday until next Thursday, Shakti is celebrated for nine (nava) ratris (nights). For three days each, the form of the purifying force of Durga-Kali, the manifesting abundance of Maha Lakshmi and the creative wisdom of Saraswati are celebrated by hundreds of millions of Bhaktis all around the world. Whether you have been celebrating this amazing engagement of the creative nature of our Life for many years, or this is your first time, do not miss this amazing ritual process of connecting authentically to the power of Shakti. There are specific cycles, invoking different aspects of the Divine Mother:
- Days 1-3 (Tuesday -Thursday) Purification of Inner and Outer Obstacles on the Spritual Path with Durga
- Days 4-6 (Friday - Sunday) Worshiping the Healing Beauty and Abundance of Maha Lakshmi
- Days 7-9 (Monday-Wednesday) Awakening the Divine Wisdom and Creativity of Saraswati Ma
- Day 10 Victory of Shakti

Here are some suggestions for entering this ritual cycle with universal awareness:
- Create a sacred space: if you do not have an altar at home, now is the time to start. If you have one, clean it, reactivate it, devote yourself to it and place fresh flowers, incense and energy into it. Use colors, statues, scents that connect you with the power of the divine mother and feel no tension about what goes into it: this sacred space is utterly personal and need relate only to your vision of the Divine Mother
- Living daily practices: Before or after your meditation, pray and journal upon the qualities of Shakti that you can call in from the macrocosmic process to have effect within the microcosm of your being. Allow the shakti forces of purification, nuturing, creation and manifestation to reveal to you how to align with your highest vision in action for collective evolution. Not only write, pray and meditate but live what you are ritually invoking in your thought, speech, actions imbued with the love of life and the mother. Visit your local temple, like I did this morning, and devote yourself to Ma Shakti, in the form of mantras, prayers, prostrations, meditation, rituals or a simple visualization.
- Specific invocations for the dedication cycles: Chanting of kirtan for the divine mother in the form of Durga-Kali, Sri Laxmi Ma, and Saraswati, Chanting and listening of the Lalita Sahasranama (I will play this in class until next Thursday), chanting with Japa Mala 18-27-54 or 108 rounds of the dedicated mantras (see below)

Throughout the duration of the festival, I will dedicate each class to the aspect of the Goddess that we are within, starting with Ma Durga today. I will bring my usual 'mobile altar' along and we will start class with dedications to the mother, followed by a Sadhana (asana and meditation) invoking the inner reflection of Ma Shakti. In other words, be ready for backbendorama, with a twist (or more).

Here are the mantras for each cyle:
- Durga Ma (also known as Chamundi): Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche or Om Dum Durgayai Namaha
- Lakshmi Ma: Om Shrim Maha Lakshimaye Namaha
- Saraswati Ma: Om Aim Saraswataye Namaha

Fasting in a way that is appropriate from a complete fast on fruits to eating vegetarian food to giving up regressive foods for your system is also traditionally part of Navaratri.

Let's all get ready for a week long of powerful dedications and practices, culminating in a Fire Sadhana next Thursday night for the Victory of Shakti!

Jai jai jai Ma Shakti!

Franck

PS: thanks to Ma Shiva for the info on Navaratri.

Why do we love who we love?

2008-09-26T04:12:00.000-07:00

Why do we love who we love?

Love conquers all. Or at least we like to think so. And it probably does. In action movies, poems, some novels, many songs and, to some extent, Life. Or in mine at least.

So while I am airborne halfway between Paris and Los Angeles (and we say hi to Cat in Montreal as we fly over her head), let's play a game. I will play it publicly in this blog, because that's what gladly dysfunctional people like me (and most other yoga teachers) do, and because I see otherwise very little interest in writing a blog if you are not willing to be daring, creative or borderline inappropriate. As for you, you will play that game in the comfort of your own privacy, at home.

So here are the rules, which involve a heart-centered meditation (this IS, after all, a yoga-inspired page). Before you go on and read my prose, I invite you to sit down, close your eyes, breathe and exhale softly though your parted lips. Allow your heart to depressurize and soften. Bring the breath to the root of your spine. Keep the vibration there for a few slow, long, deep, relaxed breaths. When you are conscious of the energy resting there, allow your breath to rise up towards your heart, little by little, up and down, without letting it go any higher towards your head. And let the face, or smell, or voice, of each one of these 3 people spontaneously rise in you. Write whatever comes down. Don't judge. Let the Flow circulate. You may be surprised as to who and what comes up, they may not seem to be the most important people in your life today, and maybe they're not, but they are here now to teach you something very specific.

Then daydream, ponder, and let yourself go back to the deep roots of what allowed Love for that being to be unleashed. What music played in your heart? What vibration did they instill in you? What did they allow you to envision that you did not know was possible?

Here I go:

Person #1: my beloved ex
You are me. In you, I see a reflection of me, of my love, of my past, and of what I can accomplish. You are my wave, and I am your rock. You crash onto me and you soften my sharp edges. You are so ever present in everything, that I still wonder whether I can live without you. You have been the ground upon which I stand and the stars up to which I gaze. You have allowed me the hope and strength to manifest all that has arisen through me until now. You allowed my love to change without ever changing who you are. For all that, I love you. And for being real enough to notice the moment when we needed space. You were a visionary in realizing that we were too necessary to one another to realistically accomplish our respective dharmas, and rise. What liberated us bound us. What had made us grow as tall as giants had put a ceiling over our heads. You saw that. I didn't. And for that too, I love you. Into your eyes, my face remains. Always.

Person #2: my pranic wife
We met totally randomly in Venice, brought together by Coral Dear, and just for that, I knew I was going to love you. But then, you started shining your light, like a rising sun, over a calm ocean. Your smile and giggles started and have not ended yet. I love you. In that breakfast joint on Abbot. In that sweat lodge. Your silliness and simplicity, distracting one's attention from your intelligence and amazingly intense experience of this world. Your humility, intertwined with a total lack of shame. Your eyes, which open right into God. Your ability to manifest into the material plane all the Consciousness that overflows in your heart (is that Prakrti or WHAT?). Your strength and groundedness. But most of all, your fragility. Your truthfulness. Your tears. Your heart calling for me. When mine calls for you. Hugging you. Kissing you. Because I love you.
'You probably think I'm crazy, I don't want you to save me, don't mean to disappoint you, I 've never felt so free. If you could stand in my shoes, then you would feel my heart beat too.' (Heartbeat/Hard Candy). That's how I felt when I met you.

Person #3: the one who came out of nowhere and revived my heart (and then broke it, all in 28 hours)
I did not know we would meet until 15 minutes before we were introduced. I saw you and thought to myself 'nice, really nice'. And then we spoke, downstairs, in that 'shower bar' in Paris' 4th (and no, curious reader, I will tell you more about that place, it would not be appropriate in these pages :p) and you won me over. Completely smoothly. You made my heart beat. My face smile. My hands nervous, My mind race and my fires ignite. Out of the blue, unexpectedly, between a hand brushing a stranger's arm and a Desperado, I felt it. That vibration that I know so well. That sacred tremor. That Spanda that I am so intimate with I had to get it tattooed on my right arm. Love. Not for what we have been. Which has been, truly, barely nothing. But rather for what you made me feel and dream of. When the curtains of impossibility is pulled down in a second and everything, everything is totally doable again because of that one moment, one thing only exists that wholly captivated our mind. Love. Not (just) romance or sentimentality, but that primal irresistible pulsation at the root of the spine. That which makes us felt blissful. That which invoked that kiss in the crypt of this amazing Paris church. The hands constantly looking for each other. I love you for the song that you made my heart sing. Despite that which I am not sure about but which froze that pulsation. And brought me (I don't know you ever traveled as far as I did) to a halt. And for that broken heart. I thank you. With all my sacred breath. My heart is not dead. I can completely overreact and shoot up to the moon in 28 hours. To crash at its surface, ok, but shoot up, still. I love you. And to answer, again, your question of that first night, yes, I like romance. A lot. And I would have loved to get a change to give you a taste of it.

Done.

Those of you who are natural artists, whether you sing whenever you are alone, whether you act, whether you secretly write thousands of words each day, whether you paint life-size canvasses in your dreams or small cartoons in the corner of your pages, those of you will understand that I do not have a choice but to write these lines. And that I must have someone read them. I do not have a choice, if I choose liberation. And as the spanda of creation and expression rises, there is no outcome possible but to let it rise, besides spiritual suicide.

So as love rose, so did the pen.

So today, before you go to bed, love someone. In full consciousness and liberation. And tell them. Whisper it in their ear, write a letter or call them.

Love.

What I learnt this week...

2008-09-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

Done. 10 days. California. Much yoga. A whole LOT of teaching. Plenty of sun. Little sleep. Many friends. Little time. Unlimited devotion. One of a kind teacher. Sixty five receiving souls. Some clouds. Five dozen hugs per day. Endless laughter.

Venice, CA, Shiva's teacher training immersion, September 2008.

I am drained. We started on September 10th, at 630AM, and I have been assisting the 65 or so teacher trainees and Shiva non stop with a team of prime assistants. I learnt that:
- when you do what you like with a group of friends and people who are open to receiving, work feels like dancing for hours under the sun on the beach
- the word jazz comes from the creole (Caribbean French) word 'jasi' which means 'aroused' or 'excited', because jazz was deemed sexual and immoral in the 20s
- I love Gina and she is my karmic sister and we have to teach together
- I can't have more than one burrito a day, even if Holy Guacamole cooks the best ones in the whole wide world
- students like my teaching, and primarily because i am clear in my transmission but informal in my communication
- I can stand the California sun for up to 32 minutes with an SPF45 sunblock and up to 18 seconds without sunblock
- sunburns hurt (I knew that before)
- if you meet people with the assumption that they are amazing beings, they usually end up meeting your expectations
- jet lag is worse flying to the US from Europe vs. Asia
- we are dissolving patterns through our practice that are no longer serving our evolution, to feel the potentiality of evolution and creation within us
- I could live in LA and be awesomely happy
- The Divine, Life, our true Nature is being, but also becoming. The divine is becoming because it is perfecting itself all the time.
- I can order frozen yogurt and toppings in Japanese
- According to the Dalai Lama, we are here to embody the transcendence
- I need to put on a bit of weight
- I now wear a size Small in the US
- I am blessed to be doing something that I love, being in a circle of people I adore, studying with incredibly talented river guides, being close to very wise people, and in love with the Earth, the Ocean and the Sky
- if our governments had spent the money they are spending now saving the financial system on saving the environment and improving health, food, and education, the world would be a different, better and more conscious place (and we probably would not have to save the financial 'world' with our taxes, so generations of traders can take un-calculated risks again in 2 years)
- I miss my dogs every minute of every day and I hate being away
- I will no longer travel more than 2 weeks in a row because i MISS teaching my usual classes, public and private, to the solar practitioners who show up, once a year or once a day
- It now costs one USD15 to check in a piece of luggage on US domestic flights, USD25 dollars for a second piece of luggage, and USD100 per additional piece
- I miss the 1008 blessings of married Life
- there are total psychopaths in this world, some of them even practice yoga, and most of them just need to GET A LIFE and take a chill pill
- I like to get my ass kicked in a practice, and I don't feel I have gotten my load until I am swimming in my own sweat and need to be wheeled out of the studio
- The is no benefit in moving from a symmetrical hip asana to an asymmetrical hip asana, and warrior 3 to half moon back to warrior 3 is not neutral on your hips, but rather screws them up
- I loved every minute of being surrounded by Shiva, Gina, Beth, Allez, Julia, Meg and the rest of the Universe
- I feel unreasonably happy driving down Rose from Lincoln and suddenly seeing the Ocean, like a sheet of diamonds, ahead of me between the dark blue sky and the white sand
- One Jess is good, too Jess's is better, three Jess's is not possible cause they are twins
- One should step into the realm of fear at least once a week, to stay away from the rotten experience of undeserved comfort

I am so sad to leave. However, I am just about to jump into an insane experience. I am at LAX, waiting for my flight to Denver. I will teach tomorrow at my friend Shan's studio for the Global Mala and then head up to Estes Park for a week in the mountains with amazing friends, and to practice yoga at the YJ conference. Or maybe just to chill, hike, cook, enjoy the hot tub and think things out.

Hari Om Tat Sat

Vive la France

2008-09-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

So it's now been a week that I have left Singapore, and what a week. Have you noticed how Life accelerates while time shrinks when you are out of town and things are running on high?

The few days I spent in Paris were magical. Not the weather. Although, I have to say that I was invigorated, if not totally juiced up, by the cool windy weather. I finally was able to wear my best sweaters and jackets again, and felt like a million bucks in my old (read 'classic') winter clothes. My skin dried out, my gut is gone, all is good! But obviously, the real gift was to reconnect with all my friends, Guillaume, Sylvie, even Julien and Olivier. And it is then that I realized how much happier I am when I am surrounded by my tribe. My culture. My food! Not that I am significantly less happy whenever I am outside of France, but this is - against all odds and what I have chosen to believe for the last 10 years - home, after all. Life is sweet there, and so much less hectic, while still being completely captivating and buzzing. Less pretending and more being, I guess.

Anyhow, the week was fun. I took my first ashtanga classes in French, and - VERY surprisingly - loved it. At first, hearing anatomical and poetic invocations in another language is very odd, even if it is your mother tongue, simply because it makes every word so much more intense and meaningful and creates a sharp presence. It felt as if I had been invited to connect with the 'plante de mes pieds' (soles of my feet) or 'mon bassin et le cote de mon torse' (my pelvis and the sides of my waist) for the first time. It felt as if I was trying for the first time ever to 'atteidre le ciel avec mes doigts' (reach for the sky with my fingers). Fascinating. Totally mind-blowing, and it made the ashtanga primary series, which I know fairly well, totally new and captivating. Jai Jai Monsieur Jois.

And then there was the food (and plenty of it), from amazing croissants and pains aux raisins (some sort of superior raisins roll with cream) to ecstatic and quasi-orgasmic salads and cheeses. And the wine, ricard and other caperinha… Strangely, though, I did not put on weight, and actually lost some. I definitely must check that 'why French women don't get fat' book, it may very well contain the details of a genetic miracle I do not know I am blessed with.

Then there was the falling in love, floating above the skies, and then crashing down in the depth of the Earth, all within 28 hours. Paris, they say, is the city of Love, and it most certainly is. From people kissing and holding (more than) hands at every corner of every street to the romance-filled face of the city, Love is everywhere. And whether you plan it or not, it is bound to fill your heart at some point. Now, if you happen to be like me (i.e., slightly dysfunctional, likely to systematically make the wrong choice, trusting, and still very much optimistic despite some pretty rough recent life lessons), don't expect not to be brushed (or rather crushed - that was the case this time around) by the sharp arrows of Cupid. I won't tell you more, just because I have written something about that amazing Love Story, which I am reworking and will post next week.

Stay tuned.

And then there was home. My real first home. Montauban, a small city in the South of France. Old (founded in 1144), tiny (50.000 souls at most), peaceful (any more peaceful, it would be dead), and charming (because it's … old, tiny and peaceful, you guessed it). I flew over to Toulouse to meet my parents on Saturday morning (after - I must avow - 2 hours of sleep), and was welcome by the background of my youth. Things have not changed, and because I have left years ago, I am glad they haven't. As scary as it can be to go back to the museum of your early years, where the 'why I needed to get out of here' exhibition is always on display, it is so grounding to go back. I love my parents. I love my sister. I love, most of all, my niece, Lola, and my nephew, Nathan. I love the grass. I love the fields. I love the horizon. I love the pace and lights. I would never live there again in this Incarnation, and I love it all the more because of that.

And then there was a last day in Paris again, with Guillaume, stuffing our faces with some of the best tapas in Europe (yes, they are not to be found in Spain :p) and amazing Sangria. A last night of chatting away until the wee hours of the night, talking about Life. Life. And Love. Our Dharma. The present that is in preparation in our hearts.

And then off to the airport (which, again, surprised me with its cleanliness and efficiency - WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COUNTRY????). And a bump-less flight to LA (Sweet Shankara, thank YOU!).

I am now in California, sitting at the Rose Café, my emotional bunker in this town. The Great Pacific Ocean is scintillating down the road like a million gems, and the wind is blowing my way. I went for a run this morning, and am now sipping tea, waiting for my adored, revered and dearly missed friend Gina, who's coming to help out with Shiva's teacher training as well. I will catch up with Seane Corn in a couple of hours and attend her class, before heading out for dinner.

More friends and amazing spaces for the next 10 days. I am blessed, grateful, and totally intent on sipping every drop of the glass of my Life until the glass is licked clean.

Jai!

Franck

'THAT is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it' (P. Coelho)

'Say what you like, do what you feel, you know exactly who you are. The time is right. Now, you got to decide: stand in the back or be the star' (Madonna)

I will not die an unlived Life (July 29 2008)

2008-07-30T17:19:00.002-07:00

Life is Bliss. Ananda.

No matter how harsh I think my life conditions are, at times (which is not often, mind you).

Life is Change. Life is Sacred. Life is Love. Life is Evolution. Life is delicious dishes and exquisite wines. Life is traveling halfway across the world to visit a foreign city and feel at home there. Life is meeting someone, never to be the same again. Life is crying to overcome a broken heart. Life is the smell of freshly cut grass on your way to work. Life is the most tantalizing sunset that blesses your reunion with old and new friends in Malibu. Life is the gushing waves of the great ocean licking the rocky coastline of Catalunya. Life is sitting at the edge of the Grand Canyon and watching the magnificence of the Universe unfold as the Light changes again and again and again and again. Life is tears on my cheeks as the sun disappears in front of my eyes into the Great Ocean off the coast of Kerala for the last time this year.

And yet, are we honoring this Life? Are we living ecstatically or are we living just because we have to? Are we doing our utmost to conquer the most amazing experiences that are just waiting to be had in this Incarnation? Are we certain that we will be old before we die?

What are we waiting for to fully spend each breath, and bear no remorse?

How can I, how can we be aware of our existence, of the immense impact of each of our Lives and of our Collective potency as Humanity and yet, not be moved into action? We are all blessed with Sva Vimarsa, the Awareness of the Self, and with Sva Sva Vimarsa, the Self's sense of being aware of itself. And yet we allow ourselves to be frozen into inaction?

I am aware of the potency of my actions. I acknowledge the power that I can unleash in my practice on the mat, and the forces I can create in my universe off the mat. And that bears great responsibility. Damn it, a true sense of duty, I should say. How can we live a Life that is the mere shadow of what it could be, given the wealth, education, and safety we are all blessed with in our societies?

Every second, you and I have a choice to negate our instinctual nature and refuse to change the world. Or we can choose, with every breath, to take this Life, this AMAZING LIFE, which we have been gifted by God, the Universe, your parents or Mother Nature - whatever resonates with you - and turn it into a field in which we can plant seeds and harvest miracles. Gandhi used to say that 'we are the change we want to see in the world'. And we are.

Surely, our impact can be as radical or as subtle as we wish, from Da Vinci's transformative effect on civilization to that of any one of us adopting a single stray animal from the SCPA before it is killed. WE CAN CHOOSE, at every opportunity, to live this Life, TO LIVE THIS LIFE EXTENSIVELY, or to crawl through it. We are all born with so many gifts... Some can draw, some can act, some can sing, some can cook, some can love like there is no tomorrow, some can inspire, some can convince, some can dance, some can empathize, some can turn their back and leave... We all are blessed with a wealth of potentialities and possibilities. But do you wake up in the morning with the determination of the warrior, set to fight his battle? Do we use our gifts for the benefit of the Universe or do we let them go to waste?

That book that you have always wanted to write will only be manifested if you sit down today at your computer and start. You long-renounced dream of going to Cambodia and teach mathematics to children as an act of charity will only materialize if you identify and contact a suitable NGO today. These regrets, which you bear, of never telling your estranged sibling, who is gay, that you love him just as he is, will never dissolve until you have the courage to pick up your phone, dial the number and say the words. NOW.

On the day we were born, we have all been presented with the canvas and the brushes needed to paint a most beautiful, meaningful and inspired Life. But do we? Or are we wasting yet another incarnation by dwelling in our own unbearable confort?

I choose, this year, in two thousand and infinite, to live my Life to the fullest. To stretch my energy into all corners of my existence. To leave no gold nugget lying on the ground. I commit to loving, standing up for what I believe in, renouncing what depletes my energy and manifest my potential wherever I can. I will not die an unlived Life.

Because when we are dead, there is really not that much we can do anymore, kinda. ;-D

Read out loud with me:

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
Of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me,
To make me less afraid,
More accessible;
To loosen my heart
Until it becomes a wing,
A torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
To live so that which came to me as seed,
Goes to the next as blossom,
And that which came to me as blossom,
Goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE (July 25 2008)

2008-07-30T17:19:00.001-07:00

6AM. Still pitch black and cool outside. Birds have not started commenting on the weather just yet. It's all so quiet. And so is my heart. The ripples of my (very!) early morning meditation on the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra are slowly dissolving into eternity, as I sit on the cold hard floors of my living room, gazing at the dark trees out the window.

NOW, my heart is full and ripe. My two beloved baby dogs are resting in a half gaze on the floor next to me. Outside, nature is holding itself up with beauty in branches and clouds for me to enjoy. A few miles away from here, my beloved soul mate is sleeping in peace and health and space, and though we no longer belong to one another, we are there for each other at this very instant. Further away, my pranic spouse is teaching a class in her yoga studio in the sharp mountains of Colorado. And from the cold floor of my living room, I close my eyes and embrace her. Further out, more friends and family members are going about their day or night, unconsciously holding space for me in their heart.
And so do I. So many little cells in my heart, in which I hold pure love and adoration for so many special people. NOW, I take the time, which I never do, to acknowledge these connections, these love arteries that take us back to Humanity's heart.

Right NOW, with no validation needed, I know that I love and that I am loved in return. At this very instant, while I could choose to see myself all alone on the floor of an aging condo in Singapore, I am a container of love, bliss and ecstasy.
NOW. No point in looking back at a past that was so fulfilling and rich. At a future that is heavily pregnant with many amazing moments that I will grasp when they are ripe. Bliss is right now, at this very second. And then at this new second. And this one. And this one…
It does not end. The mere presence of my adored babies next to me, the bond that I formed or strengthened with my friends last week in LA (including an unexpected Pranic marriage to the sweetest woman on Earth), the connection that I share - heart and soul - with teachers and students friends, these trees, swaying in the morning breeze as the sun finally breaks out of darkness, just for me.

Life is bliss. Right NOW. Whether you choose to uphold the teachings of Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now) or Elvis Presley (It's now or never), bliss, enlightenment, and exquisite ecstasy, whatever you choose to call it, is NOW. In the center of the Heart. In your heart. In mine. And in the eyes of my dearest souls, into which my face remains.

There is nothing to wait for. No further challenge to go through. Bliss is not a gift handed at the end of your earthly existence in retribution for all the fun and joy you have chosen not to have. Bliss, incredible and shockingly intense happiness is in the resonance of the Love in your life, to friends, to your teachers, to your Ishta Devata, and to yourself.

I will let Rumi close this blurp for me, because he does it best.

'Hope for the Guest WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE,
Jump into experience WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE!
Think……. And Think ………. And think …….. WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

What you call "salvation" belongs to the time BEFORE death.

If you don't break your ropes while you are alive, do you think ghosts will do it after?
The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic just because the body is rotten - that is all fantasy

WHAT IS FOUND NOW IS FOUND THEN!

If you find nothing now, you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make Love with the divine NOW, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, believe in the Great Sound!

I say this: When the Guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.

Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.'

Om Namah Shivaya

Cosmic Chaos (April 29 2008)

2008-07-30T17:18:00.002-07:00

After Bali, I was in Japan for the week-end, assisting Shiva-ji for a Love-centered round of workshops in Yokohama and Tokyo. Yesterday, after an intense emotional burst of energy in Hridaya meditation, my very first teacher (bless her heart), who attended the workshop, described these last 12 to 18 months in her world as Cosmic Chaos. Incidentally, Patrick-dear, who was in Singapore last week to instill transformation in the Singapore community, was commenting on how many established relationships, heart- centered or else, were dissolved around him in the last year. I was making the very same comment to an old friend from school on my way to Bali 2 weeks ago, who was wondering how her marriage could collapse so unexpectedly after 12 years of bliss and 3 amazing children.

Look! It is all around us! As much love and commitment there is in all of us, we have been in a period of cosmic chaos in the last year and a half, where the destructive ('transformative') energy of Lord Shiva has been sweeping across this world: tensions flaring across the political circles of the Planet, the credit-crunch scandal and resulting collapse of the financial markets, the number of dead relationships that rest in peace in the love cemetery of 2008, food shortages and deaths around the world... And how many more examples could we draw from our own humble individual lives?

Meiji-dori, after banging the cosmic drums
I, as so many of us, am going through deep changes, and even (or especially?) when you think you are done with your sacrificial fire, and that you have nothing left to burn, your heart ignites and you are up for another round on the yogic merry-go-round of Change. To be painfully honest, if I go for any more round on this yogic roller-coaster this year, that will be the last anyone sees of me for a few good years!

What stays, however, is that Life is still beaming around us, whether we are on top of the world, on in the low lands of our days. Today can still bring you the most amazing treasure, and give your journey a completely new, exciting and unexpected turn. And awareness, our pranic weapon of mass creation, allows us to see the silver lining in all things. So delight in the taste of the sweet juicy mango when it's in your mouth, then take a deep and long bite in the lemon, knowing that the bitterness of this moment will make the next mango even more orgasmic!

Spinning the pois in Yokohama
I have much to share - OF COURSE - after 2 weeks with my sweet teacher friend, Shiva, and I will write more after I have made it safely back home. However, through the internal turmoil, pain and wonder of the last 2 weeks, with much Prana moving painfully upwards through my body, I have established one conviction: the Fire is the (only) way through. So let's prepare to self-combust together when we gather again on the mat for our sacred practices.

The time has come to turn your heart into a temple of fire. — Rumi

If you forget me (March 26 2008)

2008-07-30T17:18:00.001-07:00

Some people have a way with words. This divine poem was brought back to my heart most unexpectedly yesterday by an old friend. Enjoy...

If You Forget Me

If you forget me,
I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail toward those isles of yours
that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little
you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Coming and Going (March 11 2008)

2008-07-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

Sweet and sour morning. I am at LAX, sitting in the departure lounge, waiting for my flight to board, listening to some really old (I mean A-HA old) tracks and gazing at the bright bright sun through the huge window pane. I am swimming in a totally creative stream these days, but my gaze is stuck on the bright sky draping the low-lying skyline of the city, framed to infinity by the Great Ocean and the Pacific Palisades hills. No words coming out just yet. LA is amazing and very plain at the same time. I always have that mixed feeling about lalaland: on the one hand, that city has the everlasting freshness and glow of a curious and (still) innocent 17 year old teenager, and the wrinkled vibe of a (kinky) old dame. Strangely enough, though, I love it either way.

Today, LA is young, crisp, cold, fresh and bright. I woke up to a bright sun washing the walls of the bedroom, and walked along the beach in the cooling breeze towards this simple and (thus?) comfy coffee house down Rose Ave. Reading the LA Times with a cup of coffee (yup, I am back to drinking the warm black water this week) and a bagel. I love LA when it is that straightforward, deliciously easy to love, like a big red ripe strawberry in the summer. Everything around you is just there to be enjoyed, with no second guess. And yet at the back of my heart, in that tiny little place at the center of my chest, deep inside, I have started to bleed. More like a crackle. I guess I did not see it coming. Or I did not feel it coming. Days have been long and intense during my trip to SoCal, and I had just enough space in the days to feel gratitude and love. I guess I was busy and focused enough to be completely immersed in the sea of joy I came here to experience.

I have been here for 2 weeks now, and have been closer than ever to my teacher, my friend, my doppelganger, Shiva. I have been so dedicated, with her and the other assistant teachers, to giving everything, every sparkle of Prana Shakti and dedication, to the amazing Souls that attended the teacher training here this fortnight. It has been somewhat draining physically, but the 12 hour-days we went through were a breeze, with our mind intent on transmitting the love, the passion for the art of Living Yoga, and the simplicity of Being Present. I have been on that love train since the morning practice of day 1, where the ameba (40 students roughly) turned into an integrated energetic Body, with its own rhythm and sense of purpose. I have been so pranically charged up, so grateful and so blissed out that I had forgotten that it had to end. Abruptly. Last night. All of a sudden, after the music stopped and the pois were put down, it was over. The Wave crashed. Alex, Urshi, Hollie, Stephanie, Anabelle, Cosetta, Christiana, Aletheia, Joyce, Elika... Gina.

For me, the experience was astonishing, incredibly formative, rewarding, cathartic. Not only did I get the opportunity to help train new teachers and align beautiful people with the Song of their lives, but I also got to deepen my connection with Shiva and create bridges with her and a couple of people that I know will be part of my Life for long. I will not go through the details of the incredible moments of devotion, sharing, meditating, learning and crossing massive bridges, but I am coming back to Singapore today a new person. We should always come back transformed from any trip and exploration, and I feel today that I have accomplished what I came here to do. I am observing that crack in my heart, and appreciate that this is the evidence of a wonderful journey in the last few days. Celebrating Shivaratri here with my guiding light, my Life's Love, my dear friend Gina, sweet Dimitri, Mimi Maria, Colette and other close friends, has also taught me (again!!!) that Transformation is neither easy nor beautiful, and that pain, suffering, conflicts, doubts, fear, contraction and tears are often part of the process, but that they all contribute to coming through a more Realized being. A more unified person.

I am starting to get mystical here, which is generally a clear sign that time to stop writing has come. But I would like to express thanks again to all of you out there, friends, students, guru, teachers, colleagues, family members, loved ones and strangers alike for the Journey, the support, the Love, but also for the the judgments and rejection. For creating the space for Transformation every day, for change, for movement. I can't wait to teach again, and then to leave again, to settle and then move on, to ride my raft on the river of my Dharma. I have missed our Collective, here in Singapore, and can't wait to Flow with you again.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there." Rumi

PS: Hot Fudge is still blasting on my iPod :D

Coming and Going (March 11 2008)

2008-07-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

Back up

2008-07-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am back.

A lot of juices are running through me as I approach a new juncture in my life, and the need to keep a record of the blogs I post elsewhere is too strong, so this will be a vault of my blurps for future use.

Many deserving people, and myself, need this river of creativity to keep flowing for many reasons, and at least simply because never - NEVER - should we allow ourself to suppress any idea - as radical as it may be - that springs in the seat of our heart. Our true God and Goddess-like nature demands that we honor our actions, emotions, feelings and greater connections as they are the richest product of our existence.

If you happen to know me and can't help yourself judging or hating who I am, what I do, think or feel, then GET A LIFE and don't visit this blog ever again. If you are too intrinsically and emotionally ungrounded that you can't read my views without immediately contracting around it, bad mouthing me extensively and creating unnecessarily dark energy around our community, THEN remove the link to this page from your browser's favorites, get yourself one of these self-help books for sad people and leave me and the rest of the Shaktas free to breathe, live, absorb and manifest.

However, if you feel that my views feed and fertilize you, either because they resonate with you or because they shock the roots of your beliefs, then embrace your ecstatic Courage and Greatness, come back over and over again and allow these words to be the rocks upon which the wave of your incarnation crashes.

The only way to make sure people you agree with can speak is to support the rights of people you don't agree with. (Eleanor Holmes Norton)

So long

2008-03-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to turn that limb off for a while. I need to dedicate my Shakti to a few specific openings that need full dedication to blossom, and this one is unfortunately not on the list this year.

I will see you somewhere along the way.

Hari Om.

IY

Big day

2008-02-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

I am sick. I started having allergies a couple of days ago, and now I feel really sick. My head feels like it's a pressure cooker, and my nose is a river.

My left hamstring started hurting like hell out of the blue again yesterday, and I walk like a hobbit today as result.

My Mom called me yesterday to tell me that she is back in the hospital due to unexpected complications of her operation.

And today, I will leave a Mala of 108 surya namaskars. Not the best day, in a way, but I am happy as it will be another milestone, through which I can set a new path forward.

Shanti Om and health to all.

IY

When fate hits you right in the head...

2008-02-07T03:22:00.001-08:00

We think all is well and fine. Life is good. You had the most amazing practice this morning, totally entering the Flow again at last. You have a job you like quite a fair bit, to say the least. You have time on your hands, reasonably. You just had a good holiday with your parents. The Sun is shining. The world is entering a new Lunar Year and everything is fine and excellent.

And then the phone rings.

Sister: Mom is in the hospital.
Imperfect Yogi: WHAT? Why? What happened? What's going on?
Sister: The phone is ringing I call you back.

Then you wait. Everything you could not possibly imagine goes through your head. Then you wait a while more, and more goes through your mind. Then the phone rings.

Sister: ok, you don't worry?

Then, you worry even more. Then you ask:

Imperfect Yogi: so what the fuck is going on? What happened? Is she ok? What's happening? Tell me!

So much for being sattvic, balanced, calm and in the Flow.

Sister: ok, she fell, it's pretty bad. She broke her arm and wrist and is at the hospital. They are running tests on her head and other bones. She is going through an operation in just a few minutes.
Imperfect Yogi: an operation for a broken arm? WHAT THE FUCK? What is going on? Is she ok?
Sister: she is under morphine, she is very worried and lost. They need to stabilize her bones cause they just crashed when she fell. That's all I know. I will call you later. I am going there now?
Imperfect Yogi: ...............................
Imperfect Yogi (to himself): fuck fuck fuck, no way... Mom... She was ok, here, happy and radiant 2 days ago...
Imperfect Yogi: ok, thanks...

And there goes your sense of everything being just as it should be.

It's been a day, and I could talk to no one because of freaking distance, time difference and so many other things. I hope she is ok. She probably is.

This reminds me of this line I read in the most amazing book ('A fortune teller told me') a student gave me for Christmas, which I read with my Mom in Phnom Phen last week: 'Life is not yours, and it can be taken away from you at any moment. Reflect on this.'

IY

Affirmations for a new year

2008-02-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

To combat old samskara and build confidence where it has proven to be lacking in the past, Sva Dharma activation sacred texts suggest one builds a set of affirmations to rise the Shakti and let it flow where it should.

My key affirmations for this year are as follows:
- I am a radiant being and I do not need everyone's respect
- I am in the Flow and do not need to know where I am going
- I complete the mandala of my actions

Repeat your affirmations, which you build through a long process of meditation but primarily Svadyaya, 5 times each during your morning meditation as a vow to manifest their essence throughout the day, and LIVE THE LIFE.

Shanti

My dear dear Urdhva Dhanurasana

2007-12-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

As a result of a very nasty car crash I suffered when I was 17 on Xmas Eve, and in which I very, very nearly died, my right shoulder and upper back have been frozen for years. Besides the horrible sequence of events on that night, I owe the stiffness in my right body to the fact that the young docs in this provincial French hospital were busier partying in the staff room next door than reducing my fracture and realigning the bones. That was most certainly a result of my karma, and it allowed me to come to yoga with enough challenges to understand intimately what most injured or unfit students go through in an average class.

Anyway, years of practice and trust in my teachers, Shiva and Patrick, have allowed me to enter Urdhva Dhanusarana, and to actually enjoy it. It was a long journey to work through a blocked rotator cuff, but it was most certainly worth it.

(The video is courtesy of a most lovely young lady from Brunei, who attends workshops at Pure from time to time and has a truly delicious blog called Dhanurasana)

Hilarious, the inquisition is back out of the cave. Hide your sticky mats away before they send you to Hell!

2007-12-08T00:50:00.000-08:00

A question that does come up from time to time. Can you practice yoga if you are a believer of one of the main three monotheist religions. I would say yes, but Pat Robertson would not agree. Though he seems to like his stretch :)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/11/29/pat-robertson-not-down-wi_n_74527.html

I wish I could hold you to a big smile

2007-12-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I spoke to a dear friend of mine. The True kind, honest and frank, loud and clear, soft and tender, who lives too far away from me, unfortunately. She told me she had just lost a little baby that had been in her for only 12 short weeks. Miscarriage, they call it. I just don't know what to say, it seems no word, no sentence can create healing after that. Except I love you. So my dear, I love you, I will be with you through this, I will dedicate my sacred practice to you and will hug you energetically throughout the day. Until we meet again, for a very real hug. But for now, I love you.

I love you.

IY

Actions, reactions, finger pointing and breathing through

2007-12-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

It seems my last post triggered reactions: I explained in it my experience of a recent workshop and my personal reasons for not connecting with Anusara. This offended a reader, who also happens to be a student. That's good, I write to trigger emotions, and these are not always pretty ones. In addition, I believe that for 25 silent agreeable readers, there always is one that loudly shouts out and asks for your head to roll. Such is public life. Go ask Marie-Antoinette :)

I explained in my last post, which I have taken off line to prevent anyone from broadcasting 'wisely selected' pieces of it, my reasons, my uniquely personal reasons for not enjoying Anusara, as a student. I have practiced Anusara for several years now, used to be an avid and daily practitioner for a very long time, and have had the chance to learn from a number of Anusara teachers, many amazing ones, which entitles me to an opinion as a student, good or bad.

My intention, as a unique individual, with my own experience, feelings and perspective, was to explain why I thought this method was not the right thing for some, why it did not work on my body type, and why I did not subscribe to its philosophical iterations. No more, no less, a perfect blog entry, most people would reckon. Well, most people only.

I will not give you the link to the bitter response my blog got, because it is not my approach to criticize and finger-point people's views and feelings. This person, like me, is entitled to her reaction and thoughts, and I will thus not broadcast her entry on my blog to stigmatize her. Instead, I would congratulate her on loving her practice dearly enough to feel annoyed by my entry. Annoyed is good, angry is great, as it all is an expression of our innate creative energy, like love or passion.

As a student of yoga, I will tell her that I would truly like her to respect my experience. Although I am a teacher a few hours a week, I am first and foremost a student, like her. I would invite her to keep an open mind and not make inaccurate assumptions about my past or Life. She should acknowledge my right to report how I lived the experience, my right to shape my own views, extreme as they are, and the fact that though she loves something, some people won't.

Lastly, I would like to thank her for her feed-back and honesty, and invite her to introduce her Self to me after my next class, so I can put a face and a smile on the words.

Shanti

IY

'Anger, fear, hate, and jealousy are great gifts. Finally we leave spiritual mirage behind. We are no longer this sanitized being, smelling sweetly of lotus flower perfume. We smell like hate. We stink of it. This is reality. This is unity, at last!' (Daniel Odier, Yoga Spandakarika)

Kalari grading, children, observance, core and dreams

2007-11-03T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have rarely felt so weak, spent, and emptied out to my bones than today. After a pretty intense yoga practice at home yesterday afternoon (the sort where - for no reason - you go into every possible arm balance that your mind remembers ever hearing of), I rushed to Kalari, for training and ... GRADING!

In the train, the effect of my practice were clear already, I was dozing off, and had too little energy to move around when people entered the train. In addition, my core had left me for a better world, and my belly was no longer holding in. At all. This is the great and energetic state in which I arrived at Kalari practice. Late (you walk more slowly when your legs are as strong at a soaked hor fun noodle). Anyhow, I reached the Dojo and was surprised to see about 30 or so other people ready for grading, warming up in great style in the room, and an even larger number of parents, partners and children around the room, to watch the event. And then, after 12 minutes (this is how much time my brain took to process this much information), it hit me: A CROWD!!!! No no no no no no no no no no no. I was never informed that there would be a crowd, people, humans, with eyes, ears and mouths, watching my attempt at Kalari. No. Oh no. I almost felt stressed, but then again, that would have required that I have some energy left, which was not the case. The first bad surprise of the day was out, and it was not too bad. I could manage a crowd, either by not caring or being incredibly good. I could do either.

Second bad surprise of the day. My tired eyes (still half way covered by heavy lids) had not noticed that we were all to be sorted by belt color. White for me. I am a newbie, and proud (for a few more seconds). And as we sort ourselves out (feels very hat sorting, harry potter like :p), i ended up not in Gryffindor, but in pre-pre-school. All other white belts were about 3 to 6 years of age. Of course, people usually start martial arts earlier than 30. Oh Lord Shiva, save me from self-combustion. To give you an idea, yellow belts were around 12 to 16 years of age, orange belts up to 26 and blacks belts above.

Obviously, Master Edward was kind enough not to get me to go through the whole grading practice with the other white belts. I am not sure if he did that to save my face, to acknowledge my more advanced skills, or simply because he was scared I would crush one of these little ones when doing my break falls. Anyway, it worked out ok, i did all my falls (1 to 12, which is a yellow/orange belt level). My moving steps worked wonderfully, my Suvudu were beautiful (though slow, but everyone told me it was better that way cause i showed the judges I knew each step in detail). My VT (attack/self-defense) were very lame though. I was bad, and the guy fighting me too uncertain of his movements too. So bad that Master asked me again to come up 'on stage' and redo them, with someone else. And I did better.

After that, we went on outside for the physical strength test. I passed with flying colors, but that was easy for me: core with a little wheel in your hands, lifting up and down, 20 knuckle push-ups (I looooooooove chaturanga dandasana). Others, including the older ones, were having a rough time, surprisingly though.

I think I did OK, but the most gratifying moment of the evening is when 2 of the yellow belts, about 14 years of age, told me, as we were sitting down waiting for the last grading, 'you did very well, you don't worry, your technique is very good'. I am always amazed when children display greater maturity and compassion than adults. And that they acknowledge my anxiety and have no problem extending a virtual hand to lift me up is amazing. If adults were less cocky and as in tune with the Energetic Heart as these kids and teenagers, the world would surely be a better place than it is. And that applies to the government of this VERY VERY VERY imperfect fucking island.

Something I have really come to learn, appreciate and enjoy in Kalari, is the power of observing. About a third of the practice involves, for all of us, to observe others display their steps. At first, my hyperactive pitta nature thought it was a waste of time and practice, and that we ought to be practicing. But over time, and thanks to Master Edwards, I have sat down, watched, meditated and absorbed. And oh my god! I had never realised how important in the learning process it is to observe, look at more senior people practice. Not that I am to learn their steps, but watching them move gracefully and lightly, I absorb the essence of the practice, its lightness, its spirit, my destination. And I have been amazed by how much I have taken in and progressed, without any expectation or realization of it. I had always been aware of the power of visual display, and that is why I am so drawn to Shiva Rea, who deeply believes in the role of the teacher in embodying yoga for the benefits of students. I believe in demonstrating in class. But I am even a greater believer of that now. It is such a powerful way to transmit energy and eternal intelligence without words. I worsship the ability of our body to convey, and the power of the senses to absorb.

But as a result of all this excitement yesterday, I am left, for the first time truly in my life, with no core. I can't even hold myself sitting up, my belly is floating out, and I can't laugh or talk too long... Let's worship that today, and take it easy then. I a off to Little India for a lovely meal (my delish South India Thali), and to soak in the lights of Deepavali.

And to close, I had the weirdest dreams last night: Imperfect Husband (VERY IMPERFECT in my dream) had been cheating on me for a long while, with a GIRL! And he showed no remorse, no concern, no emotion. That is, that's all. I was speechless. And single. And then, my mom was doing the same to my dad, with a man, and that was it too. Damn, I woke up in a nasty mood, and it took a few good minutes for the bad energy to wear off. I wonder what that means. I did ask Imperfect Husband if there was anything I should know though... Seems there isn't.

Long post today.

Shanti and love.

PS: I will know next Saturday if I made it to the next Kalari belt. If not, I suck big time, if so, I rock and rule :P

Change is in the air

2007-10-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

For those who wonder why everything seems to be going into bursting destruction and change this year, 2008 is the year of Shiva. If you wonder who Shiva is, read this. Shiva is part of the Hindu holy trinity, and is the third God (not in ranking of importance though): Brahma is the Creator, Vishnu the Preserver, and Shiva has the honor of being the Destroyer. Pretty scary deity for some, when he walks around with his necklace made of human skulls and his blue skin.

All in all, Shiva is the best deity around, I feel. It definitely took a tall blue-skinned violent God to kick me strong in the butt and get me to move ahead in my Life. I felt so sure about the need to leave my job and life as an investment banker, and yet... You know you are burying yourself in a life of seemingly plenty, but even the money does not help make it feel bearable anymore. And yet it seems impossible to have the balls to put an end to it all. Start anew and be who you are destined to be. And I made it. I guess a lot of things made that possible, first of all people: Imperfect Husband, Perfect Guru (who is interestingly called Shiva as well), and an intuition that I should trust the Universe.

And I can't believe how good it feels. Not only has the Universe brought me all I needed since then, job, money, house... but it really feels good to wake up in the morning and not feel like you have a stone in the stomach cause you have to go to work, which you hate, and you must leave home, which you love. It never really stroke me as that simple, but the key to being happy is really to do more of the things that we like, and less of those we don't. The big big sticking point is, though, that years, decades, centuries of catholic and protestant rambling on this world (and I believe I can safely extent that statement to other monotheist religions) have raised guilt, suffering and misery to the altar of worship, and most of our friends in this Life feel unsafe and guilty when they actually are at ease, in love, happy and content. Well, after roughly 20 odd years of denying my true nature and 10 more forcing myself down a path that I had been convinced was my own, I decided to throw my foot down onto the Earth, shatter the chains and live in the Truth. Was not easy, but fully worth the while. And once you are there, you wonder why you did not do it before. It was not meant to be, probably too early, but still. So many moments of misery, of despair, so many pounds accumulated through drinking and eating to fill a bottomless well...

And then I want to scream. I AM GAY. I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM IN LOVE. I HATED THIS LIFE OF PRETENSE. I AM A GREAT SOUL. I AM A DESERVING HUSBAND, SON, FRIEND, BROTHER. I AM THE DIVINE. I AM THE LIGHT. I AM WHO I AM. I AM.

I have so much anger, and so much compassion all at once. Two cohabiting contradicting sides of the same thing, in a very tight body (though I have much skin to house a few more people).

Life is such a gift. Don't deny the possibility of changing to upgrade your daily experience, even if that means destroying the present every night before you go to bed, to create a new present as you wake up in the morning. I love that amazing sentence by Paul Ortega, which he shared with us in LA last summer: 'Don’t wait until you are in horrible circumstances to display bigness, consciousness and spanda. Do that every day in your Life.'

Time to go and hugs my imperfect dogs, and show them the love.

Shanti OM.

IY

Wattaweek

2007-10-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Wattaweek. Got my fortune told, a friend is leaving town, my sister is moving back to France, intensive practices all week, 2 Kalari sessions, a new computer, no more holidays, and plenty of good food.

Much to share, I will get down to it.

And Gopi called yeah :)

IY

Cours de bonheur?

2007-10-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! I was just checking the French news on TV5, and after announcing that the French president is getting a divorce (not passing judgment, but how can someone so self-involved have ever convinced someone to share a lifetime together?), they had this amazing short piece on a new initiative in Swiss high schools.

From this week onwards, most high school students across Switzerland with be having classes on happiness. Just like students attend math, French or history classes, they will now also receive education on the concept and details of happiness. I find that such a thrilling idea! They interviewed students who just left the class, and they all seemed so thrilled, surprised, awaken... The fact that no exam will take place in these classes probably helps, but I think this is the most important subject any young adult can be educated upon these days.

Long live Switzerland. I am truly thinking of moving over to that splendid place, more so every day.

Shanti Om.

IY

Back on the rope

2007-10-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ready to write again. I had a black out, too busy and dry, I guess. The juices are flowing, so get ready to read me again.

IY

Global Mala in Singapore

2007-08-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

Come come come come come to Pure Raffles City on September 22nd at 9AM for a round of 108 sun salutations to celebrate Peace Day and the World!

I will be leading the Practice, don't be late.

Where is the Rasa?????????

2007-08-25T19:49:00.001-07:00

I am juiceless today. No Rasa. No Bhava. No mood. No practice.

Meditation. 108 neeralamba mantras. Breathing. Cleaning the toilet floor. Flossing. Tongue scraping. Salad. One muffin (bloody hell, it was from Imperfect Mama in law - sinful but gewd :D).

Missing winter in Hong Kong, the snow in Japan. Tired again. Of Maya. But no Rasa to work on opening up.

Damn!

IY

Thought of the day

2007-08-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

What makes the practitioner suffer is that there is always a beginning of a process followed by a moment where this process reaches an end, only to be replaced by another process. According to the tantrikas, the duality that we perceive is merely a state of contraction. At the moment when the Shakti, or energy, is no longer contracted, we are able to relax, and at the same time we experience non duality because our body/thought is no longer limited.

Daniel Odier
Yoga Spandakarika

One day...

2007-08-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

Om Namah Shivaya
In the highest o hare om
O hare om
One day I was walking down the road and I caught myself in a big bright light, so bright

One I was walking down the road and I caught myself with a big phat smile, smiling

(Wade Morissette)

How do some days end up so much better than you expected them to be? I went to bed late last night after a long long dinner with ex colleagues in an overly refrigerated room, and a few beers. I was teaching at 1030 this morning, and felt i woke up too early. Not hangover at all, just tired... The last few days have been quite long with much teaching, workshops for the new teachers, the mala project... Anyway, I went to teach my class, and it ended up being absolutely great! The energy was awesome, to my surprise the class was totally packed, and people were so open and genuine. My dear recurring teachers were there, and it was amazing to teach them. They are such great yogis and yoginis, so open minded, working so hard, but so soft in their thoughts. All great. Then i hang out, prepared my workshop, read a bit, and then led a hatha workshop for plenty of people. And it was amazing!!! Again, the energy was great, cool buzz, it was just awesome. My dear imperfect husband took pix, so i will be able to display them soon.

Anyway, it worked out to be a fabulous.

I have to go to get ready and prepare myself for the night of the night. A student is having a party in a club and I am on the list. I have not gone clubbing in ages, so this will definitely be interesting.

Tata.

IY

Why 108?

2007-08-13T17:38:00.000-07:00

The glomal mala initiative will soon hit the world to celebrate the Summer Solstice and celebrate yoga in action in the world.

A lot of the Mala activities, be it the global mala project or malas that we perform in our individual practices, revolve around the number 108. 108 sun salutations, 108 beads, 108 mantras... And I have always been curious about why this number is so critical.

Here is what I found.

Meaning of 108 beads on a mala
by Swami Jnaneshvara Bharati

On a mala, or set of mantra counting beads, there are generally 108 beads, or some fraction of that number. The question often arises: Why are there 108 beads on a mala?

Below are some of the many reasons that have been given for having 108 beads on a mala, as well as a few other points of interest. None of these reasons are being promoted here as more or less true than the others. However, you may notice that 108 appears to be somewhat like a road map of reality in general, and the human in particular.

Regardless of the meaning of 108, it is important that if a mala is used to count mantras, the mantra be remembered with sincerity, devotion, feeling, and full attention.

9 times 12: Both of these numbers have been said to have spiritual significance in many traditions. 9 times 12 is 108. Also, 1 plus 8 equals 9. That 9 times 12 equals 108.

Powers of 1, 2, and 3 in math: 1 to 1st power=1; 2 to 2nd power=4 (2x2); 3 to 3rd power=27 (3x3x3). 1x4x27=108

Harshad number: 108 is a Harshad number, which is an integer divisible by the sum of its digits (Harshad is from Sanskrit, and means "great joy")

Desires: There are said to be 108 earthly desires in mortals.

Lies: There are said to be 108 lies that humans tell.

Delusions: There are said to be 108 human delusions or forms of ignorance.

Heart Chakra: The chakras are the intersections of energy lines, and there are said to be a total of 108 energy lines converging to form the heart chakra. One of them, sushumna leads to the crown chakra, and is said to be the path to Self-realization.

Sanskrit alphabet: There are 54 letters in the Sanskrit alphabet. Each has masculine and feminine, shiva and shakti. 54 times 2 is 108.

Pranayama: If one is able to be so calm in meditation as to have only 108 breaths in a day, enlightenment will come.

Upanishads: Some say there are 108 Upanishads, texts of the wisdom of the ancient sages.

Sri Yantra: On the Sri Yantra there are marmas where three lines intersect, and there are 54 such intersections. Each intersections has masculine and feminine, shiva and shakti qualities. 54 times 2 equals 108. Thus, there are 108 points that define the Sri Yantra as well as the human body.

Pentagon: The angle formed by two adjacent lines in a pentagon equals 108 degrees.

Marmas: Marmas or marmasthanas are like energy intersections called chakras, except have fewer energy lines converging to form them. There are said to be 108 marmas in the subtle body.

Time: Some say there are 108 feelings, with 36 related to the past, 36 related to the present, and 36 related to the future.

8 extra beads: In doing a practice of counting the number of repetitions of the mala, 100 are counted as completed. The remaining are said to cover errors or omissions. The 8 are also said to be an offering to God and Guru.

Chemistry: Interestingly, there are about 115 elements known on the periodic table of the elements. Most of those, around or higher than the number 100 only exist in the laboratory, and some for only thousandths of a second. The number that naturally exist on Earth is around 100.

Astrology: There are 12 constellations, and 9 arc segments called namshas or chandrakalas. 9 times 12 equals 108. Chandra is moon, and kalas are the divisions within a whole.

River Ganga: The sacred River Ganga spans a longitude of 12 degrees (79 to 91), and a latitude of 9 degrees (22 to 31). 12 times 9 equals 108.

Planets and Houses: In astrology, there are 12 houses and 9 planets. 12 times 9 equals 108.

Goddess names: There are said to be 108 Indian goddess names.

Gopis of Krishna: In the Krishna tradition, there were said to be 108 gopis or maid servants of Krishna.

1, 0, and 8: Some say that 1 stands for God or higher Truth, 0 stands for emptiness or completeness in spiritual practice, and 8 stands for infinity or eternity.

Sun and Earth: The diameter of the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Earth. The distance from the Sun to the Earth is 108 times the diameter of the Sun.

Moon and Earth: The average distance of the Moon from the Earth is 108 times the diameter of the Moon.

Silver and the moon: In astrology, the metal silver is said to represent the moon. The atomic weight of silver is 108.

Numerical scale: The 1 of 108, and the 8 of 108, when added together equals 9, which is the number of the numerical scale, i.e. 1, 2, 3 ... 10, etc., where 0 is not a number.

Meditations: Some say there are 108 styles of meditation.

Breath: Tantra estimates the average number of breaths per day at 21,600, of which 10,800 are solar energy, and 10,800 are lunar energy. Multiplying 108 by 100 is 10,800. Multiplying 2 x 10,800 equals 21,600.

Paths to God: Some suggest that there are 108 paths to God.

Smaller divisions: The number 108 is divided, such as in half, third, quarter, or twelfth, so that some malas have 54, 36, 27, or 9 beads.

Hinduism: 108 is said to refer to the number of Hindu deities. Some say that each of the deities has 108 names.

Islam: The number 108 is used in Islam to refer to God.

Jain: In the Jain religion, 108 are the combined virtues of five categories of holy ones, including 12, 8, 36, 25, and 27 virtues respectively.

Sikh: The Sikh tradition has a mala of 108 knots tied in a string of wool, rather than beads.

Buddhism: Some Buddhists carve 108 small Buddhas on a walnut for good luck. Some ring a bell 108 times to celebrate a new year. There are said to be 108 virtues to cultivate and 108 defilements to avoid.

Chinese: The Chinese Buddhists and Taoists use a 108 bead mala, which is called su-chu, and has three dividing beads, so the mala is divided into three parts of 36 each. Chinese astrology says that there are 108 sacred stars.

Stages of the soul: Said that Atman, the human soul or center goes through 108 stages on the journey.

Meru: This is a larger bead, not part of the 108. It is not tied in the sequence of the other beads. It is the quiding bead, the one that marks the beginning and end of the mala.

Dance: There are 108 forms of dance in the Indian traditions.

Praiseworthy souls: There are 108 qualities of praiseworthy souls.

First man in space: The first manned space flight lasted 108 minutes, and was on April 12, 1961 by Yuri Gagarin, a Soviet cosmonaut.

Further contractions of the public and free space in this Imperfect Island

2007-08-04T17:40:00.001-07:00

My imperfect island has again censored events in relation with same-sex groups, to show that conservatism, old patterns and authoritarian behaviors are not out of fashion just yet.

www.yawningbread.org

So tired still...

2007-08-04T16:17:00.000-07:00

I have been back for a week for LA, and my cold is finally getting under control. I refused to take any sort of medication, and let my body deal with it the natural way: rest (somewhat) and good food. It was quite uncomfortable, especially the alternating blocked ears. It's a challenge in general, but when you teach a class can't ever hear what you are saying, that's a toughie. Anyhow, things are better now, although I am still tired, and recovering from the lack of sleep of the LAX-SIN flight. I slept another 9 hours last night, which is way too much for my own good, but I guess i needed it.

Life is good otherwise, although I still feel like not much happening here. I mean, I am glad to be teaching, to be home, and so on, but it's such a low down compared to the excitement of the last 2 weeks. I did not quite figure it out until i recovered from my cold, but I am feeling a little bit depressed. Also, my cold has prevented me from having the kick-ass practice I had back in LA, and I feel down about it. I will do my best to rekindle the source, but I miss Shiva so much. I feel like my practice has dried out to bits since coming back. My teaching is definitely better, my students love it, but I feel that I may not be doing all I can. Horrible recurring sense of not being enough...

I think I need to go and get more of Shiva this year. It will have to be Kerala or Venice. I am waiting for Daphne, Shiva's manager, to send me the latest info on her schedule, and I will make my decision.

Well, that's it for today, not much I figure.

IY

Dry spell, dry thoat

2007-08-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

Since I came back from LA, I have been sick with a nasty cold and total ear blocks. I suspect it is the champagne i had on board, which felt too good to be that good. Not really motivated to write since i touched down, as I feel a bit disconnected. I am so happy to be back home with my three crazy imperfect loved ones, but i have a hard time reconnecting to my practice (being unable to breathe obviously does not help) and with my energy. Let's hope it changes today.

IY

YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

2007-07-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

EXCLUSIVE - Last month we at Drowned Madonna told you that Madonna had a meeting and a dinner with Warner in New York to discuss possible release options for her new album, and we told you that Madonna wanted her album to be released this year, alongside October-November, so that she could tour next summer. We also told you that there was going to be an exclusive listening - 3 songs - to only Warner executives.

Drowned Madonna has learnt that this listening has already happened. As we told you, Warner executives have heard 3 tracks so far. One has HIT written all over it, and it wasn’t "Candy Shop".

They also talked about a TENTATIVE release date, which is due on October 29, 2007.

Furthermore, as we already confirmed on our community, Madonna is IN TALKS with director Chris Applebaum to direct a video.

Post Scriptum

2007-07-28T13:44:00.001-07:00

I am freakin' sun burnt. I look like a roast pig on a rotisserie stick.

Going back home

2007-07-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

In the lounge, at LAX, about to board my flight back to my Imperfect Island. Looking forward to it, though I will be challenged to create the space I need to expand fully.

Shivahom!

Imperfect Husband, behold, I'm coming soon.

Je t'aime.

IY.

It's all over...

2007-07-28T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's over now...

We closed this chapter in our Life yesterday. We did an improvised Kirtan as an opening to our morning practice, with you mats laid out in a mala around an altar dedicated to Ganesha. We danced, I rocked the house apparently (many people said so - I just launched my African beat moves :p) and finished in a long sweet stream of jai rade jai rade rade jai rade jai sri rade. Our inner song, the one to sing to ourselves when suffocated in a Prana-deprived environment. We create the rhythm of our lives and expand the Prana where it is lacking.

We closed the practice with 27 rounds of surya namaskar, as an offering to ourselves, our loved ones, the World and the Planet. Sweet, meditative. I was focused like I have never been in a mala of namaskars...

After some time on the beach with my buddies, we met on the grassy patch next to the bitch for some more thoughts sharing and a sweet ceremony where Shiva individually signed each one of our certificates, and placed a mala around our necks with a blessing. I miss her. I miss her energy. She rushed out, but I managed to grab a hug and tell her a sweet word. She acknowledged our connection, and I felt like crying... I miss her already so much... I know it will be a challenge to sustain that energy without her, but I must achieve it.

The day before, we had gone to the Self-Realization Fellowship Lake Shrine, opened by Paramahansa Yogananda (Autobiography of a Yogi), where the ashes of Gandhi are located. Most amazing place, in the middle of Malibu. So heavily charged with Prana and meaning. I loved it. We took this as an opportunity to reflect on our Sva Dharma (Purpose in this Life), and I identified mine. I knew already quite well what it was, but this place gave me an incredible clarity, which allowed me to firm it up and word it up. After that, we went for a most amazing hike up the mountains behind pacific palisade, for a time of reflection. We were given material to formalise our meditation into a native Indian prayer arrow. While most people decided to take it with them, I felt the urge to live it there in the mountains. I had such a deep moment, I am so grateful that Shiva planned this for us.

Finally, we went to the beach with the whole group, and had an amazing time playing with huge huge waves for an hour. Perfect end to a perfect day. Of course, by the time, I was baked like a muffin (sun burnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt) but happy :)

And it is now all over, which is a good thing. The challenge starts now. Will I be able to sustain the Energy? Will I be able to remain truthful to the inner truth and the Sva Dharma I have become intimate with? Will I have the strength to make my mark on this world?

Now is time for a last walk on the beach to Santa Monica before I leave for the airport...

Shanti.

IY

Photos, YEAH! Spanda Spanda

2007-07-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

Look for Spanda in the web dictionnary. I love that word. Key word of Shiva's sutras and Tantra Yoga.

Me and my delicious mentor Coral. What a star in the sky:

Morning practice today, and my trance in utkatanasa :)

Sahaja, sweet Sahaja

2007-07-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooom

Om purna madah purna midam

Purnat purnamudacyate

Purnasya purnamadaya

Purnam-eva-vasisyate

Om Shantih Shantih Shantih

That is whole/perfect

This is whole/perfect;

The whole becomes manifest;

Taking away the whole

From the whole,

The whole remains.

Om peace peace peace

Beautiful beautiful beautiful practice today. I had it all planned out, fire practice, and it did not happen. As I woke up this morning, I felt water in me, and let it rise. So I ended up doing a beautiful Sahaja fire practice with water surging at every corner. It was amazing. I was totally in the space, for 2 hours, moving around smoothly, breathing deeply, loving each breath, letting Shakti breathe me fully each time. I went into very nice arm balances, handstands... but the most delightful instants were these spontaneous movements, wave-like, arising through my skin and pores, surging to the surface from within, like lava out of the sea... I felt so free, so whole, so present... Mhhhh. The whole room had a beautiful energy today, everyone started oming in the end, a sea of oms and chants. I let a mantra rise out through my voice, and it was beautiful. Bliss... Shiva did not come to me, but i did not want her to today. I was in my space and did not want to be disturbed. She distributed As at the end of class, and I did not get one. I think it was for the 200hours certification people who needed a little boos of confidence, so it's cool.

Om Namah Shivaya.

Love and peace and bliss

IY.

Mood stabilisers please

2007-07-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well days follow each other and are certainly different.

After that day where all amazing asanas seemed to come to me, I had a horrible day. We started with our first self practice. I chose an 'evolutionary' sequence (meaning something I really don't like, i.e. back bends...). And surprisingly it went great. to the exception that all the energy locked in my heard got released (which I need), which set me up for a moody day. Besides, Shiva TOTALLY ignored me, as she went from mat to mat, and skipped me totally. So much so that at the end, as she was working on someone on the mat next to me, she said: so Franck, what did you do today? She had not looked at me at all!!! OH MY GOD that made me go crazy. I felt resentful, heartbroken and hurt the whole day. I love her so much, have so much respect for her and receive so much from her... and she doesn't seem to care. So anyway, I was moody the whole day, also because no one was expressing a fancy for me in the group, and I want to feel attractive, which I did not. So anyway, that made me even more pissed off and just made the day hell.

Even my imperfect husband could not help, though I am not an easy one to cheer when I am down. Sorry darling :)

But today I wake up, feeling better, check my email and BAM! Great news, I have been promoted to Managing Teacher in my new studio. YEAH, triple YEAH!

So just to say that one should not dwell on one's misery, cause it does not lat (generally :p).

SHIVAHOM!

Off for the second day of Sva Sadhana, Self Practice. I will be on fire, in a pool of water today.

IY

What just happened today?

2007-07-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

I am dubious.

I had a bad day yesterday. Very lunar practice with no namaskar, which took me into deep forward bends in a cold body. Not fun, frustrating, challenging, torturous, ungrounded, painful and quite depressing to tell the truth. As we had just moved into the heart chakra, the result of this was that I was sad the whole day, and to be honest, quite frustrated with my inability to achieve anything at all. It all ended with a walk back home in the cold, and - first time i see that in LA in July - RAIN!

So I am dubious because today turned out to be the total opposite, in a very surprising way. I had an amazing practice today to start with. We are working on the heart chakra, Anahata, and so went down the road of a somewhat lunar but very deep practice. And to be surprise, I managed many firsts in my life: almost full triang mukha eka pada paschimottanasana (http://ashtangayoga.info/asana-vinyasa/primary-series/11-Triang-Mukha-Eka-Pada-Paschimottanasana.html), then reclined version, straight up into eka pada urdhva danurasana back into the reclined version. I also managed a full lunge with a back bend, far enough for my fingers to touch the earth. It may not seem much, but if you guys have seen the tightness in my inner hips and upper spine, you would appreciate the progress.

After that, we had an amazing lecture (3rd in a series of 4) by Paul Eduardo Muller-Ortega, a renounced scholar in religious studies. Today was amazing. This guy is not only a scholar, he is an avid practitioner of kashmiri shyavism, and of tantric yoga. This was so deep, simple, beautiful and enriching. I thank Shiva for allowing us access to him (very difficult to get to see him) and to him for being so enlightened.

And after that, we had a fun teacher's lab. We went through all the marma nadi namaskars again, and after that had some fun. And one more first, I got into titibasana!!!!! For those who wonder, it looks like that: http://ashtangayoga.info/asana-vinyasa/primary-series/21d-Supta-Kurmasana-Vinyasa-out.html.
And not just that, I then managed so lightly to go from eka pada hasta bujhasana to astavakrana to eka pada koundinyasana B to bakasana. Several times. No effort.

I like California, I am better here :)

Anyway, good day, with a lot of connections with a lot of great lovely people.

Shanti and Shivoham!

IY

Teacher lab, Mala beach party and Kirtan shots

2007-07-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

Shiva telling us about the Sva Dharma, and the organic arising of our role in this Life...

Out of the Grassy Nole for the teaching laboratorium

At the Global Mala Beach Party

Kirtan with Dave Stringer:

The fire has been turned off

2007-07-21T22:20:00.000-07:00

Another day of fire... Last night Trance Dance was an amazing experience. I strongly recommend that anyone who has never attended one of these events do so ASAP. It's like a club, with a Flow, and an intention, less alcohol and smoke. The experience was tentalising, and totally cured me of my suspected sickness.

I woke up LATE this morning cause there was no way i could go to sleep last night after the dance. But this was schedule so as we went to clean the beach as part of the SEVA project at 10 only this morning. That was ok, allowed me to wake up with little trouble.

And then there was the practice. 3.30 hours of Agni practice. Oh my god, i was burning all around. What intensity, what combustion of limitations, what crazy sequences, we did about 8 to 10 hand stand kick-ups on each leg throughout the practice, did a partnered version, and a long, long, long, long, long sequence of hamstring stretches and balancing poses. My quads were on fire the whole time. We did these amazing Kriyas! WAHE! Hanuman Kriya most especially was exhilarating. Hanuman mudra is interesting too.

After that, we hit the beach for a yoga teacher party. It was nice and relaxing. The best part was taking pictures for the official posters of the Global Mala Project.

And after that: KIRTAN. Amazing as well, with David Stringer. First time I see a Kirtan with flute, saxophone, electric guitar... Everyone stood up to dance like crazy on EVERY song. that was quite an experience. And to top it all off, Donna De Lorry, was there. It may not matter to many, although she is an extremely talented singer of her own. But she is the back-up singer of Madonna on all her shows. Yeah!

Rocking week.

Tomorrow is a new day, and we enter a new Chakra: Anahata. Time to open the heart and crack my upper spine open.

Shivahom!

IY

PS: my teaching schedule when i come back is not cool at all. 13 hot classes in a week, that is not cool at all, when I am the only one in that case...

Agni, the alchemical fire

2007-07-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

I am sore. Am I sick? I seriously hope not. I believe this is just a reaction of the agni practice we had this morning.

I had a nice long night of sleep, and woke up very rested, which is nice. We went for meditation, and then Shiva announced that today was an Agni practice. I knew that we were entering the first day of our Fire practice, after Earth and Water, but did not know there would be a particular ritual to it. And there was.

We started with an om and mantra to Ganesha in Ganesha mudra, which was both new and powerful. Then, Shiva made an offering of fire, burning some incense and oils in a beautiful Indian metal plate. We chanted a different mantra 9 times, and finished in a sea of oms. And then the practice started. OH MY GOD! Facing the sun, she announced to us that we were going through a very simple practice designed to activate the fire within us. In the core. In Manipura Chakra.

We did rounds of nines :-) 9 uddiyana bandha Kriya (and I had had Mexican again the night before, CONTRAINDICATION, TRUST ME!!!), and then variations on surya namaskar, the main one being that each round involved 12 repetitions of the movement between plank and chaturanga dandasana. And that occurred 9 times in the practice. We then did various repetitions and variations on lunge, vira 1... I managed to bind in revolved parsvakonasana with the back foot down without bringing the knee to the floor on both sides. Yeah :)

After what seemed a VERY long flow with too many chaturanga, I realised that I had finally surrendered. I was so much in my head at the beginning of the Flow, and in the first chaturanga s, that I had mentally given up already. Then I moved into the heart and the core, and Manipura took over. I finished very strongly, forgetting where we were in the counts, and remaining in each breath, without anticipating the next. What an experience. We finished in a strong core activation peak pose, hold the first set 1 breath, up to the 9th set for nine breaths, legs and arms in the air, seat bones and shoulder blades of the floor... We ended with a kriya of our choice, a cleansing practice with either baddha konasana, bhujangasana, upward dog, danurasana or urdhva danurasana. As my Manipura chakra was so strongly activated, I went for upward bow, and that was very powerful, we did a krama over 9 breaths, and that was a very releasing experience. Wow. The fire was BURNING at the end of this flow. Most beautiful sivasana of course...

I then finally got the courage to get started working on all my projects, including the global mama project, which i will organise in Singapore. By chance, I ran into my dear dear mentor Coral, and we talked a lot. she is adorable. In a way, she reassured me on the fact that I am seen as an anchor my Shiva and the assistants, and that they expect me to go far with them in Shiva's steps. We connected a lot about our personal lives and other things. She really supported me with my plans to talk and write to Shiva, and I know she will circle back with Shiva regularly on my behalf.

Most beautiful day, thus. Though I feel strange now. Almost sick, but let's hope it's just the agni.

Trance dance in an hour, I will let you know.

IY

Opening up...

2007-07-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Opening to grace, that's what i try and achieve every morning now with my meditation practice. Today, for the second day, i completed a full Mala, which today was dedicated to mister Imperfect Yogi back home. It is a soothing experience to devote some minutes to the person you love, and dwell on your emotions for him. And he needs it today. Shiva had that beautiful image to close our meditation, comparing us to a field of sunflowers in the south of France, popping our head to the sun and moving slightly through the day to continue and enjoy his rays.

After that, we kicked an amazing practice again. I have to say I was VERY sore from Seane's class last night, and my first adho mukha svanasana was not a happy one. My first lunge was a real torture... but the rest of the practice was (almost) a breeze. We did Dancing Warrior 1008, the most beautiful of all, and an amazing flow leading to full danurasana and pincha mayurasana. All so great. I got a great assist in wheel again from Corral this time, and in the ardha baddha pashimottanasana twist. I feel amazing since then.

After that, we had the teaching lab, which was fun. I partner up with Andrew, a lovely guy from DC. He is my official lab buddy. It was fun and short, as we had to rush back quickly for the second leg of the session with Paul Ortega. Very very interesting, but i have to admit i was tired today and totally phased out during the first hour. Plus, I was thinking too much of my mister back home, who is tense today, and whom I would love to be with to help. We are so far and yet so close, I feel him next to me all the time, and send him prana the whole time I am awake.

The session was good though, and we approached some really crucial issues. The whole fact that we live with the illusion of eternity, when our time in this Life is finite and very short, so we had better rush and act quickly to complete our dharma. Also, we should not live in the fear if impending death, and instead focus on action and meditation. All very good. I must make a move towards my dharma.

We had another teaching lab, which was really interesting, where Shiva gave us questions to reflect upon. What is melting in you? What is arising that needs to be dissolved and recreated. I had a great brainstorming session with a lovely girl from Seattle, Heather, who went through similar issues as me, relating to the release of creative material and so on. She strongly suggested I find my own practice of creativity, but that I ought to let the bubble burst shortly. She suggested this cool book, which I think I will get online.

To close the day, I got to message my dearest, after his first class, who was in a slightly better mood, but i wish i could have crossed the ocean to meet him and care him as he deserves.

And to close this, I had a real nice meal (was starving today) with a Caesar salad, some salsa with chips and a mini bowl of pasta :)

Love to you all.

IY

Day 5

2007-07-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Nice nice nice day...

Beautiful meditation this morning. I went through the whole mandala, and had a powerful bhakti celebration. The class was beautiful this morning, starting with a long long repetition of mandala namaskar 1, which is a beautiful circular salutation, with a lot of deep hip opening and circular motion throughout. We then moved into a beautiful - though short flow - leading up to dragonfly. I almost managed it but we were too rushed to spend too much time on this. We then entered our daily back-bend sadhana, which was so great. Michael, an assistant, helped me out and for the first time, I FELT MY WHEEL! Oh my god, he got my arms in the right closed in position, and my legs close in, heels down. What sretch on the quads. It was beautiful. We did this twice. Beautiful closure to the Sadhana, as usual, with Shiva's amazing words. She cracked us up again today, playing the police and lenny kravitz during the namaskar, as we were riding the crazy waves of our flow. Loved it.

The afternoon was very interesting with a conference with a university scholar, who wrote 'the Triadic Heart of Shiva'. So very interesting to hear personal experiences and educated views on meditation, life management and happiness. Amazing guy!

After that, we rushed into the teacher lab, which was ok though we were in the sun and i was cooking totally. I am now officially roasted on top of the head, shoulders, chest and face :)

I cut this short as I had to attend Seane's Corn class, which I am so grateful for. She just started teaching at the Sacred Movement, where we have most of our sessions, and I bought a pass for 50 dollars, which allows me access to all classes and the spa. Her class was nice. Clean, tough, hard work. A lot of core, a lot of hips (as if I had not had enough) and looooooong holds. Oh my god, we were all puffing and huffing. Was great though. I enjoyed it. We finished we that cool variation of cow face, lying down. We also did prasaritta from lunge with cow face variation. Nice good work. I spoke to her after class and she is an adorable person.

After that, I went to buy (healthy) grocery, rushed home and ATE FINALLY!!!!!

Now in bed, ready to drift into the wave of the night.

Take care all.

YI

Eka Pada Frankasana

2007-07-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Amazing day again. God I love Shiva.

I will skip the little things and go to the juicy part. After this morning's practice, which was totally incredible (mandala namaskar prep, mandala namaskar 2, solar waves around bujapidasana, silver surfer, ardha bekasana... peaking in standing visvamistrasana), I had a short rest then went back for the afternoon session. We had this really cool discussion on krama and Shiva made us laugh so much. She is hilarious when she gets into her stuff.

Anyway, during the break, she was alone - FOR ONCE - and I went to ask her my millennium question: how the F-U-C-K do you get up into eka pada bakasana? For those who don't know, this pose is my total kryptonite. No matter how and how hard i try, i just can't make it. Anyway, i started telling her my bullshit excuses: 'uh, I think my waist is too short and my legs too long...' and she told me shoosh, shhooooooshhh, SHOOSH! She said try. After flattening my self like a pancake, I looked at her. After several further discussions including a lot of my bullshit :) she asked me to go into prep, which i did, then she asked to dip forward chest towards the earth which I did, then to coil into the core, which I did, then push my supporting leg down into the arm, which I did, to extend my leg back, which I did. And ooooooooohhhhh miracle. I was in Eka Pada Bakasana. If you have never struggled to the core for an asana, you can't relate. But how great I felt. She was very happy too. And so were the 15 or so people who had gathered around to look at me. And that took 3 minutes. SHE IS AMAZING!

Anyway, after that, we did a bit of practicing teaching, where I met Gopi, a really sweet and nice Indian Brit who lives in DC. We had a lot of fun playing with poetry and metaphors. She gave me some very good feed-back, which is to pause. Take time to take time. My flow is nice and slow, but I don't stop. Great feed-back. Thanks Gopi.

After that, we went to the teacher exploratorium, which was OK. I partnered with Andrew, a guy who i think is gay, from DC. Very nice. We did our teaching practice on Mandala Namaskar prep again. That was good. But after that, we sat down cause people had questions, and that became 'chiant'. Luckily, I had to leave early as I was on my way to Shiva's public class.

OH MY GOD, I have never sweated to much, and I have never loved a class so much. We got into this amazing progression from (uttanasana, lunge with pulsation with back bend and core activation, eka bakasana prep, vasistasana variations, back bend variations). It was totally non stop, non stop for 1.5 hours. People were moaning in a good way, letting the energy out, and loving it. She dedicated eka pada bakasana to me and my birthday, renamed it eka pada Frankasana :) I loved it, I was totally on fire. At the end, 2 urdhva danurasana (how open was I), and shoulder stand and that's it. En vrac: don't just pay the toll in chaturanga, sri sri Chaturanga (YEAH!!!), up dog with toes under from cobra...

After that, I was totally high, really high, as if I had taken illicit products. I was burning, on fire, excited, and at the same time in an amazing space. I went home, did my laundering, had a fantastic and big burrito (I was hungry by then, trust me).

Oh what a day. Shiva, I love you, and though I thought I would never mean that for any of my teachers., I worship you always. I love you so much.

Bye everyone. Sorry if that was thick, but the day was intense.

IY

Rushing out but you deserve an update

2007-07-16T11:42:00.001-07:00

Great afternoon yesterday. Very interesting discussions and work around Swadisthana Chakra, our connection to fluidity, creativity, sensuality and sexuality. To cut a long story short, I have the water but it's not flowing.

Afternoon finished with Shiva surprising me at the end of the session for my birthday, offering me a Ganesha and a card, and a trance dance on music i like, so that all of us (80) started dancing like crazy for 15 minutes, all around me :)

As per Shiva's command, I went to the Ocean to experience rebirth in the flow. I had a great time and lost my keys. :p

Drama resolved quickly (the manager of the hotel was in the office, which NEVER happens) and i was on my way to the evening session in Santa Monica with Shiva's husband on Ayurveda. Uber-interesting.

I finished with dinner with Nik, my good friend, in a very good (and pricey) Italian restaurant on the beach front in Venice, and had a lovely risotto next to William Hurt who happenned to be dining there too.

Great morning today, day 3. I TOTALLY CONNECT WITH MY WATER and had the most amazing practice. We went into arm balances, bird of paradise... and I was flying.

Anyway, very happy now, excited about the rest of the intensive and of my life.

All my love.

IY

Day 2 - Morning

2007-07-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Aching thighs and shoulders... This is what I woke up with, as a definite evidence of the work we did yesterday. But that motivated me even more to rush in, practice and burn these aches into strength.

We started right away this morning, for about 2hrs of Sadhana. Though we started with some structured namaskar (jala and surfee namaskar), we ended up going in a total Sahaja flow (no structure, totally spontaneous), where Shiva led us through amazing water-inspired moves, and then let us finish in a free flow of spontaneously arising postures. It's funny how structure is so ingrained in all of us though. Halfway through, Kishan, an assistant, asked me to continue deeper, and surrender more to the Flow and let go of the form. Which I did, and I had an amazing moment moving through beautiful shapes in a wave like motion, back and forth, no always finishing in the full form of the asana, but definitely embodying something.

This great moment finished with a beautiful meditation, and a quick escape of the room to let the next class come in. I had the most delicious smoothie after class. We got this Juice It Up store that allows us buy smoothies at a 20% discount, and they get prepared just ahead of time, so they are nice and cold and ready by the time we finish class. Awesome.

I was going to go to the Spa after class, but figured I ought to do some laundry first. I will go to the spa this afternoon right after class, before the evening session in Santa Monica.

Let the flow be with us. Imperfect Husband, I love you. Moomoo and Keke I adore you. The rest of the world, I worship you.

IY

PS: it's my birthday today :)

Day 1 - Shiva's summer immersion

2007-07-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

Resting in bed, it's 9.30PM.

The bad news today is that I could not be bothered to attend the evening session (opening ceremony up in Malibu on the hills). The combined effect of a long first day, of a number of admin things to do, of the jet lag and of the distance of the venue (with car pooling involved) drove me to stay home and enjoy a free sweet night.

The day was amazing. The morning was great (see below). After updating my blog, I went down to the beach (which is a long walk away from my door: the sand stretches forever before you reach the ocean), walked in the water for a while and enjoyed the amazing breath, energy and radiance of the Pacific Ocean. I initially wanted to jump in a swim for a while, but the fact that my feet almost turned blue when i stepped into the water suggested I refrain from immersing my whole body in the very very cold blue liquid.

The afternoon session was nice, mostly spent on analysing our mudhara chakra, discussing with partners... Shiva asked if anyone had anything to share, had a spanda arising to take the mic and talk. the first three ladies who took the mic shared very sad and dramatic stories, one of them even cried, about how life is tough and they don't feel loved or celebrated in their bodies... It was so sad, and I am so grounded these days in my Muladhara (mainly refers to the areas of health/embodiment, home, relationships and Dharma/livelihood) that a tremor (spanda) occurred, and i decided to take the mic to say that Muladhara was an exciting place to be, and that it was important to take the time to root oneself, to feel that joy. I made people laugh a lot. I guess some will think I am proud to stand up just to say that I am doing well and am happy, but that is what my spanda was about. It was fun though.

I finally connected with Coral, my teacher training mentor, who is adorable and hugged me the whole time. I am sure something interesting will happen for my birthday tomorrow.

Talking about birthday, my dearest dearest Imperfect Husband, whom I love so very much (I know you are reading this, dear), was the first one to wish me a happy birthday, given that my birthday is spanning three continents this year: my home in Asia, my roots in Europe, my body in America. Long stream of good wishes, and a few arrived already. I am actually feeling nothing major about turning 30. Anyway, we will see tomorrow.

After the afternoon session, I decided to attend a yoga class, as the morning practice totally helped my back, but was too short to completely fix it. So I attended Twee Merigan's (Shiva's assistant) class at Exhale. Few people, but very nice. Started a bit strange with a long breathing meditation in Shiva Lingam mudra, but it turned out very very fun, quite challenging with some cool moves: nice balancing sequence leading at the end to Garudasana, Vasistasana and Eka Pada Raja Kapotasana, and a few other things. Anyway, totally fixed my back, I felt nice and happy after that. Went to get a nice smoothie from the store next door and an organic avocado and tofu sandwich for dinner, which proved surprisingly tasty.

At this very moment, I feel the waves of sleeping slowly coming over me, and I know i won't be up long. I need to rest as I feel tomorrow ill be arm balancing, with, I suspect, and interesting flow including Eka Paka Utkatasana to Galavasana to Eka Pasa Utkatasana to dragonfly and a few other things. We shall see.

Love to Shiva, IH, Moomoo, Keke and all the other heart centers in my life.

Good night.

IY

Morning 1

2007-07-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

Oh it's good, oh it's nice, oh it's filling and fulfilling to be with Shiva again. After a mid-night wake up resolved with one more pill of melatonin, i slept until 5.25AM today, and woke up excited and scared not to be up to scratch.

We came in for a beautiful beautiful chanting and movement meditation (I got totally stuck on Muladhara chakra - AGAIN... ARGH!!!!) and moved into a nice easy practice of dancing warriors 1, 2 and blossoming namaskar (down dog to pigeon to frog to pigeon and over again) to a new namaskar with a low horse riding holding the ankles - loved it) and some back bends. Believe it or not, I managed three beautiful wheels. Yummmmm, felt so good. I love how she started us in down dog for like 5 minutes and let us move with the flow, and everyone totally got into it. Amazing stuff, I was dancing in down dog, again, like the good old days...

Well, off the to beach now before the afternoon session. I better enjoy it cause the rest of the schedule is totally packed.

Shakti to you all

IY

Day 1 -48 minutes

2007-07-14T05:41:00.000-07:00

There we are. 5.42 AM, July 14th (Vive la France).

The summer immersion led by Shiva Rea, which led me to cross an ocean and spend a lot of money is starting soon. My back is still in pieces from the flight, I am tired by jet lag and have not had a strong practice in a week.

I am scared. But hopeful.

First report tonight on my back.

Wish me (a lot of) luck.

Imperfect Yogi

First pics from my home in Venice, CA

2007-07-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

some views of Venice: the roof top of my building, the yoga studio entrance, Ocean Front Walk with my apartment building in the middle, the beach in front of the building.

Off to get some food now.

IY

Lalaland

2007-07-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

24 hours in the city

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, yogis and yoginis, mamas and papas, hookers and pimps, Francky has landed in Hollywood. I arrived ahead of time yesterday at 4.50PM into LAX. Simple little thing that I am, I thought this would give me more time to get my luggage and rush to the little boys' tree before I met my friend at arrivals. Simple little thing I am...

I had not quite taken into account the master plan of the immigration services... After waiting roughly 20 minutes in line with a lot of Asians (flights from Seoul, KL and Singapore had just flown in) and a huge huge huge lot of Mexicans (it looked as if the population of western Mexico had just marched together as one man onto LAX at 5PM sharp), my turn came up to talk to the nice immigration officer. Now, I had had some issues in the past, so I had taken no chances this time: I had gotten myself a brand new passport with a brand new picture the week before, I had provided all my accommodation details, down to the room number to the airline, and I had even shaved, in order not to look too Latin/eastern/hairy/suspicious to the immigration officers. Well, that certainly did not suffice, as the officer checked my (empty and brand new) passport (which I had forgotten to sign until my turn was about to come up in the queue) over and over and over again, trying to match some stuff that came up on his screen. After clarifying that I had indeed lived in 4 different countries in the last 5 years and was not a yoga instructor who had just arrived in business class from Singapore on a French passport to attend a yoga retreat at a local spa, we realised there was a problem. He found one (I am not sure to this moment what the problem was), and I knew I had one (when he did not return my passport and asked me to take three steps back and wait for an other officer).

And there I go in an empty booth with the new officer, who looks nice but bigger, stronger, tougher and more armed than the first one. And there we go again... Where do I come from? (last city? where have I been in the last 3 weeks? last year? last 5 years?) What do I do? (my real job that I left or my dream job that does not look good on an immigration form?) What am I here for? What is a yoga retreat? Why do I practice yoga? Why do I come for a retreat here? Do I have proof of my attending the retreat? ...

Let's say it lasted long enough for the luggage of my flight to stop turning on the carousel, and for my bladder to be near the point of explosion. He then typed what seemed to be a long, long, very long, really very long sentence on his computer, and let me go. To be honest, I was dying to ask what had triggered this special attention to my little insignificant and imperfect person, but I thought I should not tempt the Universe, and just ran to my luggage and the bathroom, to empty my bladder, which had now reached the size of a small watermelon.

12 minutes of peeing later, I stepped out of the washroom to find my good old friend Nik waiting for me. We left for Studio City, had a quick dinner (Greek salad the size of a roof garden, 5.99, not bad but waste of food).

After 7 hours of sleep made possible by a double ration of Melatonin, I woke up - tired - and we started the day with a lovely breakfast at The Good Earth in Studio City (omelet tortilla the size of my living room, 7.99, not bad but a real waste of food - come on people, cut down on the portion sizes...).

Nik then drove me over to Venice Beach for a lovely walk in the sea, after which I checked into my hotel, which is A-MA-ZING!! I was upgraded to a kick-a$$ suite and there is a huge amazing roof top on the 4th floor, overlooking the beach. I am writing from there now, getting a nice sun burn on my caucasian's shoulders.

That's all for today, more stories tomorrow after the Teacher Intensive starts (6.30 AM, sharp).

Bye bye from Lalaland!

Imperfect Yogi

At the airport

2007-07-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

Singapore Changi Airport, Thursday July 12, 14.48.

In just about an hour, I will be (hopefully) flying high above the skies that lace the sky of the South China Sea, on my way to California, the sun, Shiva, vegan breakfast burritos, my ex and a bunch of excited yogis to attend a teacher intensive. I am thrilled, and at the same time, I hate to leave.

It's quite a curious game, which the mind plays with you, when you are about to exercise such an outstanding opportunity (flying half-way across the word to attend an amazing retreat with one's guru with a bunch of like-minded carefree whisperers), and still all you can think about is staying home, watching TV with your partner and playing around with your doggies. It's definitely a puzzling reaction that i have witnessed in me several times. I can't quite understand whether it's just laziness, ultimately, or the realization that in the end, your heart calls you back to the most simple components of your life.

Now the real question I have been struggling with lately, is whether one should heed its inner calling (stay home to enjoy the simple things), or if one should give oneself a good kick in the seat bones and get going. I am torn.

For a little while, I have been so happy with my life that I start getting scared of losing it all. More clearly, I am getting shit scared to die right now. As a result, I am displaying this defensive behavior, and am focusing almost exclusively on what I know is key, and on what makes me most happy in the short term: my imperfect parter, my imperfect doggies, and my imperfect little Life. But while it looks like a healthy conscious decision, I am also anxious that I might thereby be shielding myself from greater opportunities in Life. Let me explain. Not that I think I should abandon my Dearest, Moomoo and Keke to lead a totally different life at all. I just think I should stop being so scared of losing this part of my life that I am preventing myself from knowing anything else. It's a little bit like Arjuna's questionning in the Gita, when Sri Krishna tells him that Yoga IS action, and that Arjuna has no option but immersing himself in the World, no matter how tough, uncomfortable or dangerous this may be. Yoga is action, karma yoga, Life must be experienced fully to come to a state of Yoga.

As a result, the struggle in Life is to preserve the most precious elements within, and yet not compromise the necessity to take action in the World. What it means for me is that I must continue cherishing my Jewels, and yet take a fierce and courageous step in the world, to explore the range of opportunities it holds, and display the range of qualities I have.

Long long long unclear story cut short: good think I am on my way to LA to reconnect with my practice, the Universe, and the Flow within. And after all, it might be a good thing to pass the ever-so-important 30 years-old threshold alone and away from what I have put together in the last 29 years.

I will tell you how things go.

Imperfect Yogi

Hot hot hot

2007-07-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

When is too much hot yoga... too much? Although I now practice hot yoga (generally flow classes) a couple of times a week, I teach up to 12 classes of hot yoga each week. Today, I was Madame Hot Queen, teaching hot flow, hot hour and hot flow again in a row.

Although I like the energy of students in the hot room, the rashes on my face and my need to drink up yo 4 litres of water a day suggest I may be getting exposed to too much heat. Do take into account that the average weather on my imperfect island is quite similar to that of a hot yoga studio, with an average of 34 degrees in the afternoon, with a humidity level reaching that of the heart of ripe cucumber.

Besides this, not much. Very much in love with Mister Imperfect Yogi, totally crazy for my two little Imperfect Poops.

On my way to Lala-land tomorrow at 4.25 PM, for a Teacher Intensive with my Mama Shiva in Venice. 15 days of strong, hard, tough, dirty yoga, 8 hours a day. CAN'T WAIT! I will try and update you on a daily basis on the life of your favorite imperfect yogi in CA.

Lastly, strange thoughts this week, as a result of this crazy book I have been reading: 'Sauve moi'. Scared to die. Scared of going on a place. Scared of being cut short in my happiest journey ever. Scared to loose my three dearest souls on this Earth. Scared not to have time to go through all that's coming. Hopefully, these are just dark thoughts in preparation for my 30th birthday, which I will spend alone in Lala-land. Hopefully, Shiva will have a few kind words to make the day special in some way.

Baraka!

Imperfect Yogi

Not bad...

2007-07-07T17:41:00.000-07:00

Mission almost accomplished? From a perfect yogi perspective, it's actually a 100% success.

I did practice yesterday at 8PM (not the most appropriate time, but then again, better that than pigging out in front of the TV). I proved to lazy though, to go out and meet my buddies for drinks. Which, on the yogic scale, is a good thing. So all in all, I did well.

Today will be a long day of teaching, practicing and getting pissed off at retards walking at the speed of snails on the streets while blocking the way to people who want to move at a normal pace... I hate the City on week ends: shopaholics with no money going to town to express qualities that they don't have, spend money that they don't have, and eat crap food that they certainly don't need.

Bloody consumerism. Viva no logo. Viva Live Earth. Viva a weather-led retaliation by Mother Earth. Viva Madonna (not much to do with the above, but the lady rocks and always will :D).

Have a very imperfect day, I know I will.

Imperfect yogi

Value added today? Hmmm, think again...

2007-07-07T04:57:00.000-07:00

What a non-day today... Nothing much happened.

Imperfect yogi wakes up (with a little hang-over), imperfect yogi drinks herbal cleansing tea and rushes out under the rain to teach a packed hot yoga class. Imperfect yogi has a shower before teaching a packed yin yoga class. Imperfect yogi comes home his family, has lunch and falls asleep.

Imperfect yogi wakes up (with no more hang-over), imperfect yogi drinks herbal energizing tea and rushes out under the sun to teach a packed power yoga class. Imperfect yogi comes home to his dogs, and decides to update his blog.

Hmmm, not much to today, is there? We will see. It is 8PM and I am trying to talk myself into practicing then meeting friends and Mister Imperfect Yogi for drinks.

I will confirm tomorrow whether any of the above pre-set objectives has been achieved. Until then, let me say ('one more time') that I will never drink alcohol again.

Shanti.

Imperfect Yogi

First day

2007-07-06T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear reader,

My mother always told me to introduce myself to strangers, especially when I am about to drown them in unnecessary and one-sided perspectives on my world. So there we are. My name is the Imperfect Dancing Yogi, I am 29 years old (for 9 full exciting days more) and live somewhere hot, hot, and hot some more, with a lot of water around. I am a yoga master, or working as one, but am really a struggling little boy deep inside.

I am tall, brunet, although people who have not seen my hair could rightfully suspect I am a natural blonde in view of my behavioral pattern. I have lived in many countries and will probably live in many more. I like food (too much) and physical activity (not enough). I also like the sea, yoga, arts, cheap European TV drama, dogs, noodles, planes and Twix, although not necessarily in that order.

I am quasi-married (laws will be laws) to Mister Imperfect Yogi, who is a yoga master himself, but less imperfect than me. We have two adorable boys, Imperfect Moomoo and Imperfect Keke. We live happily everafter in an Imperfect home in a very Imperfect City.

Expect a lot of pointless and confusing thoughts' drewling on these pages in the coming months, but at the same time, don't expect too much.

Off to hit the mat for my self practice of the day.

Toodle...

Imperfect Yogi